Gosh, people say. Correspondent in Paris. Croissants, café au lait, the Louvre, Montmartre, long lunches, the Luxembourg gardens, the shops, my God, the shops, Notre Dame, that café in St-Germain, you know the one - what's it called? - where Sartre and de Beauvoir always went, those romantic benches on that island in the Seine, you don't by any chance have a spare room do you?
That's one Paris, of course.
My Paris is rather more parochial but none the less Parisian for that. I like it, anyway. Its central component is my local shopping street, the rue des Martyrs in the 9th arrondissement. This is undeniably one of the great rue commercantes of the capital, a village high street really, running steeply up the lower slopes of the hill that will eventually bring you, gasping, to the Sacre-Coeur. It's a quintessentially French experience, particularly on a sunny Sunday morning, and my list of Paris delights starts here.
Shopping on rue des Martyrs
Where to begin? You have five boucheries, three fromagers, three charcuteries, half a dozen greengrocers, a couple of excellent wine merchants, a bunch of boulangeries and a panoply of patisseries.
Ignore if you can the temptations of Arnaud Delmonte, artisan boulanger et patissier, at number 39. Tartelettes au citron, dômes au chocolat and the best bread in the quartier (as the queue outside testifies). Serge Hermier (no 10) is every bit as good and the queue every bit as long (more than 20 speciality breads, try his Tresse des Martyrs brioche), and just round the corner at 21 rue Condorcet is the legendary M J-M Grolleau, who even lets you watch him baking his baguettes.
A little way down the rue des Martyrs, at no 23, is Aux vrais produits d'Auvergne, a fine regional charcutier whose 18 varieties of saucisson I defy you to pass by. Fine foie gras is next door at no 25 (Aux jambons d'autrefois), while across the road at no 48 is M Mollard, my favourite cheesemonger - though La Fromagerie des Martyrs at no 5 is arguably better for chèvre, and does a notably lively camembert.
Even if you decide not to burden yourself with any of this fare, spend an hour or so on the rue des Martyrs of a weekend morning. It's a Paris that's a long way from the Louvre, but you won't be disappointed.
Walk everywhere
Leave the 9th on foot. (Head up Martyrs to Abbesses and on to Montmartre or, as I tend to, down the rues Saint-Georges, Lafitte and Gramont to the rue des Petits-Champs and the gardens of the Palais-Royal, of which more anon.)
Indeed, walk almost everywhere in Paris if you can. This may sound obvious and is not intended as a criticism of the metro (which should also be tried if only to prove to yourself that there is such a thing as a clean, cheap and very efficient urban public transport system), but Paris is a city that begs to be done on foot. Very few places you'll want to go will be more than 30 or 40 minutes away.
Politeness
Remember to say bonjour before speaking to anyone. This ensures that however hopeless your French, you will always be forgiven.
The sights
If you really feel you have to see the kind of things you're supposed to see, here are a few second-string attractions high on my list of Paris delights. The Musées Jacquemart- Andre or Carnavalet make for a far more rewarding couple of hours than the Louvre; the small and perfect Jardins du Palais-Royal are altogether more enjoyable than the better known but distinctly overblown Tuileries; the unsung Parc des Buttes-Chaumont in the un-chic 19th arrondissement is a much happier bet than the oh-so-genteel Luxembourg.
Eating
While it is very possible to dine appallingly and for a ruinous price in Paris, the French capital remains foodie heaven. Here follows a select handful of personal recommendations.
1st arrondissement: Juveniles, 47 rue de Richelieu, 0142974649.
Okay, it's a wine bar and the owner is a Brit to boot, but the chef isn't and the food is first class. For a more elegant dining experience, there's Pierre au Palais-Royal (10 rue de Richelieu, 0142 960917) or, if the credit card's up to it and you book long enough in advance, the Grand Vefour (three Michelin stars, 17 rue de Beaujolais, 0142 965627).
2nd: Le Vaudeville, 29 rue Vivienne, 0140 200462.
This happens to be where I met the love of my life, so my judgment may be coloured, but it's an excellent example of a better Paris brasserie with all that that entails - oysters, steaks, choucroute, white-aproned waiters, the works.
3rd: Le Reconfort, 37 rue de Poitou, 0142 760636.
Bit of a culinary desert, but I've had some excellent and inventive meals here.
4th: Bofinger, 5 rue de la Bastille, 0142 728782.
This is the quintessential brasserie. Le Grizzli (7 rue St Martin, 0148 877756) is what Paris bistros used to be like before post-modern was invented, ie basic but brilliant.
5th: Le Buisson Ardent, 25 rue Jussieu, 0143 549302.
This one's off the beaten track and the better for it; relatively new, keen to please, a chef who trained under the legendary Alain Senderens and produces outstanding and unusual dishes for roughly a tenth of the price.
6th: La Bastide Odeon, 7 rue Corneille, 0143 260365.
Although this quarter is solid American tourist territory, La Bastide Odeon has good Provençal fare, or Les Bookinistes (53, quai des Grands Augustins, 0143 254594) offers well-considered contemporary cuisine.
7th: Ecaille et Plume, 25, rue Duvivier, 0145 550672.
It's a posh neighbourhood which usually means posh, overpriced cuisine; but Ecaille et Plume is is undeniably excellent if you have 40 quid a head or so to spare. Vin sur vin (29, rue de Montessuy, 0147051420) is a bit less pricey, with (as its name suggests) an extraordinary wine list, and the food is, as the Michelin guide would say, worth a detour.
8th: Buddha Bar (8 rue Boissy d'Anglas, 0153 059000).
This quarter contains about half the tri-stellar eateries in Paris. But if you're in search of what constitutes a truly up-to-the-minute Paris experience, try the Buddha Bar for pricey but okay Pacific Rim food and more models than you can shake Laetitia Casta at.
9th: Velly, 52, rue Lamartine, 0148 786005.
My home arrondissement is not short of grand eateries; Velly is my favourite for good, unpretentious cooking in most convivial surroundings.
10th: Chez Michel and Chez Casimir, rue de Belzunce (0144 530620 and 0148 782880 respectively).
Run by the same chef, these are both great - the latter is the bare-table, stripped-down, half-price, but none the less damn good, sister of the more starched-napkin former.
11th: Les Jumeaux, 73 rue Amelot, 0143 142700.
If you can escape the over-rated rue Oberkampf, with its array of ever-changing bars and fashionable eateries, Les Juneaux is a classy, modern bistro a stone's throw from the Bastille and more than worth the walk.
12th: Le Square Trousseau, 1 rue Antoine- Vollon, 0143 430600.
On the pleasant square of the same name is another favourite. The belle époque interior is as fab as the food.
Walk it off
The medieval swamp of the Marais is one of the best places for this; narrow ancient streets, a myriad of small and invariably interesting shops, a couple of good museums (Picasso, notably).
The little-known Canal St-Martin is another; it's about to be filled up again after being drained and cleaned, and is beginning to turn into a pleasing Camden Lock-ish sort of place with a couple of cool boho bars (try Chez Prune, 36 rue de Beaurepaire) and alternative shops (Antoine et Lily) and over-priced antiques.
Do the tourist things
Oh, all right then, if you must. Sit in Les Deux Magots or Café Flore (6 Place St-Germain-des-Pres and 172 bvd St-Germain), read Liberation, pay about three quid for a coffee and remember Verlaine, Mallarmé, Beckett, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Dalí, Eluard, Picasso and the rest.
Take a stroll across to the cobbled tip of the Ile St-Louis, sit on a bench and stare at the Seine. Go up the Eiffel Tower and visit Beaubourg and the Louvre. You won't really have experienced the delights of Paris if you don't. But this city, as Hemingway said, is a moveable feast. So I'll be on the rue des Martyrs.
Way to go
Getting there: Eurostar (08705 186186) from Waterloo to Paris costs £79 return. Must be bought at least 14 days before departure.
Breaks: Up to February 13, Cresta Holidays (0870 1610901) is offering three nights B&B at the one-star Amarys Simart for £147 (saving £29) with daily BA departures. From Birmingham £148, Manchester £144, Glasgow £171. Leisure Direction (0870 4428955, leisuredirection.co.uk) offers one night's B&B at the four-star Relais St Jacques for £134pp with Eurostar from Waterloo until March 28.
Other hotels: Montalembert, 3 rue de Montalembert, 75007 Paris. From £236 per double room for three nights, not including travel or meals. Preferred Hotels (00800 3237 5001, preferredhotels.com). Hôtel La Villa, 29 rue Jacob, 75006 Paris. From £279 for three nights' B&B, including return flights or Eurostar. Thomson (0870 6061476, thomsonbreakaway.co.uk). Hôtel du Dragon, 36 rue du Dragon, 75006 Paris (tel: 0033 145 48 5105, hoteldudragon.com). Double rooms from £56 per night.
