Dancing with people you do not know should not be attempted without professional guidance. And maybe a vast quantity of gin. It's a half-shimmy to the left, a vague toe-tap to the right, perhaps even a nonchalant nod of the head. Nothing too extravagant. Keep your elbows in and your eyes on your feet. It's akin to dancing at your grandparents' ruby wedding anniversary. Only with fewer octogenarians and without the pervading air of lavender water.
Ten o'clock on a Saturday night finds me stationed on a dancefloor in Lisbon while clutching a lethal-strength gin and tonic as if it were my only friend. I sort of rather wish I were back at the hotel, sitting in the bath drinking beer and eating peanuts. But we are here for a clubbing weekend, with our gladrags on and our toenails painted. This Espaco Fatima Lopes, the famous nightclub of fashion designer Fatima Lopes. One half of the room is lined with metal rails, holding her exciting leather and lycra numbers, and a pursed-lipped, spindle-thin shop assistant wearing next-to-nothing and swaying her dollish hips to the music.
Downstairs, pretty-pretty bartenders are serving measures the size of an elephant, with a squeeze of lime and a cheeky wink. There are video screens showing endless catwalk shows - splendidly thin and haughty ladies striding forth in Fatima's designs. The music is predominantly chart-fodder, Tom Jones growling Sex Bomb sends the floor into raptures, and the lady to my left, in the white-tassled top wiggles her hips like there's no tomorrow. She's a marvellous-looking creature - all blonde highlights and pink, frosty lipstick. Meanwhile, louche-looking gentlemen are peeling themselves off the walls like twitchy-eyed salamanders.
Lisbon has grown famous for its nightlife. It has that well-siesta-ed Mediterranean vibrancy, where things are only just getting started at 2am, and the bars stay open for, well, nigh-on forever. Way past my bedtime at least. The bars and clubs of the Bairro Alto district spill out higgledy-piggledy on to the pavement - look up and you'll see shuttered windows and tiny balconies, washing strung out to dry, criss-crossing the narrow streets like macrame. The streets themselves are all crazy, cobbled, practically vertical. Wholly inappropriate for walking in high heels. At one point, as we trot between bars, we are faced with a slope of such ludicrous perpendicularity that I consider kicking off my heels and sliding down on my backside.
The revival of the Docas area began in the early 90s. A dressing-up which has included bars and restaurants and nightclubs galore. Among them is Doca 6, a leisurely, lunchy sort of restaurant. The Blues Café serves up Cajun food, yet is a bit All Bar One-ish - albeit with an American twang. On the nightclub front, Queen's is a large, warehouse venue, where a lot of ladies in short, sparkly outfits are hired to dance on the bars. There's a nice vibe, and it's full to the gills, but it lacks the glamour and the swagger of Lux.
Lux is one of the main reasons clubbers come to Lisbon. It is the brainchild of Manuel Reis, the gentleman who was once behind Fragil (the club of clubs in the 80s, which is still doing very nicely, thank you, in the Bairro Alto). Lux is another vast building in the Docas area, flaunting a kind of shimmering retro cool and DJs such as Rui Vargas (house) and Dinis and Nuno Forte (breakbeat and jungle). Gilles Peterson sometimes even shows up to present one of his spectacular sets. In the wee small hours, anybody who is anybody winds up at Lux. Downstairs is stacked to the rafters with a squirmy, sweaty crowd of dancing devotees, whereas upstairs is a little more loungey. There's a lot of posing and pouting and posturing, as the hipsters recline on the 60s-chic sofas, sucking their caiphirinhas through artfully angled straws.
If you haven't drunk a caiphirinha, you haven't lived. It's actually a Brazilian concoction, but the Portuguese are dab hands at making them, too. The recipe is something along the lines of 1 lime, 2oz of cachaca, brown sugar to taste and lots of ice cubes, but it simply doesn't taste the same unless you're perched in a smokey Lisbon bar at 2am, where the plump lady on the next table is sharing cheesecake with her dog.
It's a very hip crowd who dine at Bica do Sapato, the sister restaurant to the Lux nightclub. A stone's throw from the club itself, it's a big square building on the docks, the sort of place you might expect Starsky and Hutch to be skulking around on the lookout for clues. Inside, however, it is terribly plush. Huge mirrors, deep red walls, funkily mis-matched chairs and light-fittings like space-pods looming overhead. Oh, and the food is nice, too.
Good food is in plentiful supply in Lisbon, although sometimes the cuisine can be a little on the heavy side. Not too clever if you're looking to cut some rug later that evening. If you're not too busy sampling the counter-top delights of the pastelerias, you may wish to investigate some of the city's many gourmet restaurants. The Alcantara Café should be seen to be believed, an exquisite, high-ceilinged, art-deco establishment, and the food is delicious.
Obviously, you'll want to do a spot of shopping. Portugal is famous for shoes, and beyond the traditional range there are even footwear emporiums such as Sneakers Delight (Rua do Norte 30-32, Bairro Alto), which boasts a DJ after 7pm. Beyond the La Perla and Mac outlets (yes, you can get your scanties and your Lipglass Lip Gloss), there is also a rash of young, Portuguese designers' boutiques in Chiado and Bairro Alto. If you're looking for records, V-Records (Rua do Diario de Noticias 67-69, Bairro Alto) is a good bet, with stacks of vinyl, including everything from drum'n'bass to soul classics.
Lisbon does, of course, boast the ubiquitous shopping centre. Only it is a mammoth beast, out-of-town, multi-levelled and maze-like. If you are attempting to sample its delights on a Sunday afternoon, with a hangover resting on your head like a large elk, perhaps think again. The pain will only be exacerbated by the bright colours, the stench of popcorn and all the cheery-eyed families enjoying their weekend shopping trip oblivious to your suffering.
A far better idea is to laze in the sunshine at St George's Castle, or maybe visit Estufa Real for a chilled-out brunch. The restaurant is in exquisite, peacocked botanical gardens, and attracts a refined and genteel clientele. It's a help-yourself, buffet affair with a vast array of salads and fish, a choice of main dishes lurking in huge silver tureens, breads, cheeses and more puddings than you have ever imagined. And believe me, I have imagined a lot of puddings. If you're full-to-bursting, it is worth dawdling over coffee just to watch the grandmothers making trip after trip to the dessert table, piling up the egg custard and the cheesecake and the brandy-snap baskets.
The Portuguese are particularly good at puddings. Many of them were invented by 18th-century monks,and have acquired names such as angel's breasts (papos de anjo) and nun's belly (barriga de freira). I'm especially fond of the tiny, pocket-sized egg custards, which can be sprinkled with cinnamon for added scrumptiousness. Bakers will packet them up for you by the dozen, with shiny white paper and string. The finest examples come from the Belem district, and it is well worth making a visit to the blue-tiled Pasteis de Belem (Rua de Belem 88) to taste them when they're still warm. There's no better way to unwind after a night on the tiles.
Way to go
Getting there: British Airways (0845 7733377, britishairways.com) flies daily from London Gatwick to Lisbon from £116. Flight operated by GB Airways.
Where to stay: The decidedly swanky Lisboa Regency Chiado Hotel (+325 6100, regency-hotels-resorts.com) starts at around £87 for a double room. Double rooms at the Hotel Marquês de Pombal (+319 79 90, hotel-marquesdepombal.pt), a contemporary-style four-star hotel in the heart of Lisbon cost £98 B&B.
Where to dance:
Espaco Fatima Lopes, Rua da Atalaia 36, Bairro Alto, 1200 (+322 5865).
Queen's, Rua da Cintura do Porto (Avenida Brasilia), Armazem H, Rocha Conde d'Obidos, 1350 (+395 5870).
Lux, Avenida Infante Dom Henrique, Amazem A, Cais da Pedra a Santa Apolonia, 1900 (+882 0890, luxfragil.com).
Fragil, Rua da Atalaia 128, Bairro Alto, 1200 (+346 9578, fragil.com).
Where to eat:
Pap' Acorda, Rua da Atalaia 57, Bairro Alto, 1200 (+346 4811).
Doca 6, Doca de Santo Amaro, Armazem 6, Docas, 1350 (+395 7905).
The Blues Café, Rua da Cintura do Porto, Armazem H, Nave 3, Docas, 1300 (+395 7085).
Bica do Sapato, Avenida Infante Dom Henrique, Armazem B, 1100 (+881 0320).
Alcantara Café, Rua Maria Luisa Holstein 15, Alcantara, 1300 (+363 7176).
Estufa Real, Jardim Botanico da Ajuda Calcada do Galvao (+361 9021).
Further information: For a full guide to Lisbon, updated daily, visit atl-turismolisboa.pt or call +844 6473. Time difference: GMT + 1hr. Area code: 00351 21. Flight time: 2 hours 30 mins. £1 = 1.57 euros.
