"Holiday" and "fashion" are words that just don't seem to go together. Like Robbie Williams and Geri Halliwell, or drinking and competitions, here are two concepts that ought to suit each other marvellously but actually end up making everyone involved look quite disgusting.
Which is odd, because in theory, holiday time is when we should all be at our physical peak. Complexions are a little less pallid; eyes are a little less square. But there it is: socks and sandals, 'native' dress, tie-dyed t-shirts - the litany of holiday fashion crimes goes on and on.
I can understand the problem here. We're on holiday, right? We can all relax, forget about style issues and dress in the clothes we really love. My guess, though, is that we are simply referring back to the only holiday role models we know, our parents, and dressing the way we remember them doing on family holidays. You don't take relationship advice from your parents. Why would you pick up style tips?
But help is at hand, in the guise of - well - me. After a lifetime of exposure to some of the worst holiday fashion atrocities imaginable (Mum and Dad, this article is dedicated to you), I feel qualified to expound upon the subject.
Dos and Don'ts
1. Pre-planning
Think now - which parts of you are going to be on display that aren't normally? That's right, get that bikini line sorted before you go. Even if you're going skiing, the hotel might well have a pool, so wax, strip, scream in pain and then thank me for reminding you. If you can be bothered with all that pre-holiday fake tanning, you're a better woman than me. Eyelash tinting, though, is a good tip - as anyone who's had their mascara run in the hotel pool can tell you.
Boys out there probably don't need to attend to bikini lines but you, too, could do with a visit to your local spa or beauty clinic. (Look, plenty of men other than David Furnish do it these days, so your masculinity shouldn't be called too much into question.) It is a proven fact that all men - and I have done the research - have blackheads on their back. You may be shaking your head in scornful disbelief, but trust me - someone in your life has been maintaining a discreet silence. Get those attended to before stripping off on the beach, unless you don't mind being known as Mr Blackhead behind your (spotty) back. Similarly, please get a haircut beforehand. Too many men think a holiday is a good excuse to let it all hang down, nice and shaggily. Two words for you, my friends: "Jonathan" and "Ross."
2. The plane journey
There is absolutely no point in dressing smart in an attempt to get upgraded. This is an urban myth invented by airport workers to provide them with amusement as they count the number of people they see that day all wearing their most expensive clothes in the hope of wangling a free first class seat. Planes are normally freezing, so bring a big scarf that can double up as a blanket, thereby avoiding the itchy airplane ones. Loose cotton trousers, t-shirt underneath a hooded zip-up top, that kind of thing. And remember, the more you wear, the less you have to carry.
3. 'Native' clothes
In a word, no. And in three words, no, no, no. Are you impressed when you see an American tourist wearing an "Oxford University" sweatshirt? Are you overwhelmed by the stylishness of the Italian students in Union Jack t-shirts? Maybe it's the unaccustomed heat that softens the brain into believing that "going native, yah?" is a really smashing idea and that any trip to India is incomplete without purchasing a sari and several dozen bangly bracelets.
Yes, occasionally you can discover some "great, cheap fashion finds" on holiday, but perform this litmus test before you buy: would you be able to wear those baggy striped trousers to the pub with your mates back home? Put that beret down now.
4. Sunglasses
So excited are we rain-sodden Brits at having cause to wear shades that some of us go a bit overboard on the gimmicky factor, hence the popularity of wraparound shades and multicoloured lenses in this country. The former is only acceptable if you're skiing, the latter, never. Yes, you can have a bit of fun here, but repeat after me: I am not Tom Cruise, I am not Tom Cruise...
5. Trainers without socks
Men: You'll look as bad as your shoes will smell.
Women: Forgivable only if you are a lithe, tanned American supermodel.
Socks are a good thing (but keep them white and at ankle height) except in the case of...
6. Sandals with socks
The answer is in the statement. Read it again. And again. Understand now?
7. Sandals without socks
For men, this is the ideal holiday footwear and certainly preferable to flip flops, which will make you look like either (a) a 70s throwback, (b) a gap year drop out or (c) a senile old codger. Take your pick.
Personally, I prefer simple slip-ons to those ones with ankle buckles if only because there is something quite distressing about seeing a man bending down to buckle his shoe. But only wear sandals with shorts - with trousers or jeans, stick with trainers.
For girls, pretty much anything goes and sandals with jeans are not only permitted, they are downright recommended. Also, sandals with your knee length denim skirt (you know you have one - everyone does) look far more original than the skirt-and-flip flop combination so popular these days.
7. Linen trousers
These are always recommended in holiday fashion articles and I have yet to fathom why. They're unflattering and they crease like billy-o. In short, not a good idea. Only very tall and willowy women can get away with them. For the rest of us, men and women alike, stick with loose cotton trousers.
8. Bathing suits
Alriiiighty then. Boys, for the love of all that is sane and decent, do not wear little Speedos unless you aspire to that elderly Eurotrash look. And despite what you, in your sunstroke befuddled mind might think, no one wants to see the details of your wares. Boxers will do fine, thanks very much.
Now girls. Gimmicky designer bathing suits with plunging necklines and what have you are a mistake. Yes, I am saying that you should remain fashion-conscious on holiday, but there is a big fat line between fashion-conscious and fashion victim. Plus you'll get comedy tan lines.
Speaking of, bring bathing suits of roughly the same cut for this reason - either bring all high-cut or all low-cut, to avoid awkward tan line moments by the pool.
9. Hats
Hats are, in fact, a good idea on holiday, despite the fact they make everyone look a wee bit silly. But baseball caps are banned for both sexes. Am I the only one to have seen Forrest Gump? Visors, though, are fast becoming acceptable, though they should be treated with caution by the female of the species, unless you long for comparisons to Geri Halliwell. For men, the best are simple little cotton numbers, ideally in dark blue or green: they will protect your bald patch and actually aren't too unflattering. Women, too, look quite nice in these, but if you're aspiring to a Gina Lollabrigida moment by the pool. go for a wide brimmed satin one, with a nice print.
10. Bumbags
OK, now I know I said that practicality should be the main issue with holiday wear, but this is where that rule ends. Yes, bum bags make sense, theoretically: they keep your money safely away from pickpockets and leave your hands free. But, practically, they are a disaster. Do you long to add a stone in weight to your figure? Do you like emphasising your hips? Do you, horror of horrors, want to resemble an American mom? No? Then put it away. There ain't nothing wrong with a simple little sac with a strap that crosses over your body.
Really, it's not that hard. If you're a stylish babe at home, why should that alter with the time zones when you travel? But if all goes wrong, you lose your head in the holiday excitement and find yourself sporting a floral sarong and henna designs on your stomach, just remember: you can always destroy the holiday photos. This would be particularly advisable if you have done the above, and are male.
