The Newquay Surf Festival 2002 kicks off this weekend, and every day for the next seven days up to 6,000 people are expected to descend on Fistral Beach to watch and take part in one of the biggest events in the British surf calendar. Despite the cold sea and grey skies, surfing is big in the UK and getting bigger every year. But there's more to the sport than simply pulling on a wet suit and heading out to the waves. If you want to be taken seriously on the Newquay surf scene this summer, there are seven golden rules:
1. Be blond and gorgeous
Strolling along Fistral Beach on a summer afternoon you have to pick your way between clusters of clone-like blue-eyed youths with sun-streaked, tousled hair and lithe, tanned bods. Have you just stumbled across a distant outpost of Sweden, or is there some weird breeding experiment happening here on the north Cornish coast, the creation of a genetically modified beautiful new race that doesn't turn lobster red in the sun and comes with pierced belly buttons, six packs and Celtic-style tattoos as standard?
The occasional herd of bloated, sunburnt stags sleeping off a hangover from the night before will remind you that, in fact, you are still in Britain. If you are not young, blond or gorgeous, don't despair. You can always opt for the 'wise old man of the sea' look - think Patrick Swayze in Point Break - which involves a small pointy beard (though not if you are female), a half peeled-off wet suit dangling from your waist, a weather-beaten face and a faraway look in your eyes. If even this is beyond your capacity, a few stitches won't go amiss, just to show you mean business.
Alan Barber, surf correspondent for the local paper, has mastered this look. Nursing a split lip and five stitches, he was supposed to be covering the South West Students Surfing Championship but couldn't resist catching a few sneaky waves first. Unfortunately his surfboard had other ideas and hit him in the face, landing him in casualty for the morning. The fat lip look is surprisingly easy to achieve and much cheaper than collagen injections.
2. Develop an Australian accent
Even if you are from Essex. All the best surfers are Australian, and all the best British surfers spend at least four months of the year perfecting their bottom turns Down Under and have the Aussie twang to prove it.
Joe Moran, Cornwall's answer to Brad Pitt, has it sussed. He works half the year on a building site in Newquay so he can spend the rest of his time surfing in Australia. He has just been offered a full-time job working as a sales rep for a surf-gear company. 'I feel it's time to put down some roots, get a mortgage, get the company car, but then again...' He trails off and gazes out towards the ocean. Don't do it, Joe.
What's even harder to fathom is why so many Aussies spend half the year surfing in Newquay when they've got all that gorgeous blue sea and sunshine back home. Forbesy is from Brisbane. He reckons that on a good day, when the sun is shining, Newquay can just about hold its own with the Gold Coast.
'But it's really the nightlife and the whole scene which brings travellers here. It's a real party town,' he adds before stumbling off into the night to find his friends.
3. Get a sponsor
You are nobody on the Newquay surf scene if you don't have a sponsor. Former British surf champion Steve Winter, who runs the Winter Brothers Surf School on Fistral Beach, is sponsored by Blackthorn Cider, which means he gets paid for wearing a sweatshirt with the firm's logo on it. Easy money. But you have to be good. He and his brothers Dean and Russell (currently ranked seventeenth in the world) are among 50 or so surfers in Newquay who are considered good enough to merit sponsorship.
If you are going to fake it, make sure you choose the right brands: the surf clothing label Rip Curl and surfboard manufacturer Mellow Marsh Yellow are a good bet. A Peacocks carrier bag and a pair of Speedo swimming trunks aren't going to fool anyone.
4. Don't be a tourist
Forget that cosy little B&B overlooking the bay, or a visit to Dairyland to see the cows being milked. All you care about are the waves, right? Hotels are for wimps (and if you've left it until now to book you won't get one anyway - Newquay sells out in summer).
Real surfers sleep in a van in the beach car park. You'll see them spilling out of their cars at first light, doubled up and bleary eyed, wrapped in a towel for warmth.
Alternatively, you could probably find a similar level of discomfort - and hence authenticity - by opting to stay at one of the town's many so-called 'surf lodges' which are basically pebble-dashed hotels built in the Seventies which, when the coach parties stopped coming because Newquay got too rowdy, cannily decided to add the word 'surf' somewhere in their name and cram six people into a room designed to sleep two. Instant credibility.
Remember those sunburnt stags you saw on the beach earlier? They'll be staying here too because nowhere else will take them.
Of course, if you are really serious about your surfing you will move to Newquay. Henry Ashworth knew something drastic had to be done when he found himself travelling down to Newquay for 14 consecutive weekends. He now runs the Extreme Academy in Watergate Bay - the first beach to offer kitesurfing in the UK- and the laidback Beach Hut restaurant (the best place to eat in Newquay) with gorgeous seafood and views out to sea.
5. Learn the language
Don't say 'dude' or 'man' - apparently they only do that on the telly - but do say 'sick' and 'gnarly' a lot (only applies to under thirties).
As in, 'That's one sick bird' (that's a compliment if you happen to be the woman in question, but if you are anywhere other than Newquay, be offended) and 'Those waves are really gnarly' which means heavy.
But if you find yourself saying things like 'Got caught in a sick pit, so decided to hang 10 but went over the falls and got ripped in a gnarly barrel. It was rad,' it's time to go home. You've lost the plot.
6. Body boarding doesn't count
'Whoever's enjoying the surf the most is the best surfer,' says Steve Winter. It helps, however, if you have a surf board. Jumping up and down in the surf going 'woohoo' just isn't going to cut it.
Nor is body boarding. Although the body boarders - or 'speed bumps' as the surfers call them because they slow them down when they go over the top of them - may seem to be having a lot more fun than their surfing counterparts, washing up on the beach face down on a piece of foam just doesn't have the same kudos.
7. Be able to surf
This is not essential but it helps. Steve reckons he can get 85 per cent of people standing up on a board in their first lesson. 'You get loads of these guys coming down here for the weekend with their beach blonde hair and surfboards stapled to the roof of their VW camper van, and they don't even go in the water,' he says.
If you've ever tried pulling on a cold, damp, sandy wet suit on a windy beach and then wading across sharp pebbles into a steely grey sea while seagulls wheel mournfully overhead to do battle with smashing waves with a long plank under your arm, you'll know why.
If, however, you can get past the first two hours of humiliation, exhaustion and frustration and just when your feet have turned blue and your legs have turned to jelly and you have swallowed six litres of salt water and are silently wailing to yourself, 'Mummy I don't want to do it any more,' but you can't stop because you don't want to lose face in front of the 25 surnburnt stags who are sharing your class (yes, them again) you will, miraculously, stand up. Just for four wobbly seconds, but it will feel like an eternity to you.
You won't win any prizes for style but you are, for one brief and glorious moment, riding a wave, and you might, just might, finally understand what all the fuss is about.
Factfile
A half-day's surf tuition at Winter Brothers Surf School (01637 879696) on Fistral Beach costs £20, a full day £30 and a weekend £55.
The Extreme Academy at Watergate Bay (01637 860840) offers tuition in surfing, kite surfing, land yachting and mountain boarding. From £20 for a half-day mountain boarding taster course.The Beach Hut Bar and Bistro at Watergate Bay (01637 860877).
Joanne O'Connor stayed at the St Andrew's Hotel, Newquay (01637 873556). En suite rooms with sea view start at £23 per person per night.
First Great Western has regular train services to Cornwall. (08457 000125). When a direct service to Newquay is not available, you can save time by taking a fast train to Truro and book Great Western's new + Bus chauffeur service (07786 310 695) from the station to your hotel in Newquay for £13 per person
For further information on the Rip Curl Newquay Surf Festival 27 July - 4 August see www.surffestival.com.
