A friend recently returned from a holiday on the ritzy Costa Smeralda in Sardinia, having spent an enjoyable week people-watching. The beach, she said, was like a catwalk. The swimwear worn by the young Italians was not designed with swimming in the sea in mind. God knows what the salty water would do to the sequins and spangly fabrics. And anyway, expensive hairdos don't like to get wet. She soon realised this was no ordinary beach: she had found herself in the land of the dry-clean-only swimsuit.
It may sound ridiculous, but such things do exist. On Planet Fashion, winter sun means big hair, spangly jewellery and glitzy swimwear that would look more at home in a nightclub in Ibiza. Donatella Versace, that most leathery of sun-worshippers, should know. Her swimwear for next season - a snip at £85-plus for a bikini - is not for athletic swimmers. Hell, why exercise when you can book in for good, old-fashioned liposuction before your hols? It was shown on the catwalk: tiny straps of candy-coloured Lycra, seemingly glued to the body, teamed with big jewels and even bigger hair, all teased and backcombed. Oh, and thigh-high, purple satin boots.
But seriously, winter sun has traditionally been the preserve of the jet-set glitterati. And it's always fun to think Joan Collins while you're reading her sister's books on the beach. Big floppy hats (practical as well as glamorous) and bug-eyed Jackie O sunglasses are a good starting point. You can fake the rich-bitch look on the cheap at the high street chains. Accessorize is good for last-minute essentials such as hats and brightly coloured sarongs with sari edges from only £10, and the airport branches carry summer kit all year round.
But it's worth forking out for a pair of good sunglasses. Wait until you get to the airport and kill time at Sunglass Hut. There's always a good selection, and you'll be in the holiday mood. Think big and Italian, loud and proud with bold shapes. To make a statement on the beach (but only if you have at least £100 to spare) look for big red frames with quilted sides by Chanel or green and pink-tinted wraparounds by Gucci, D & G and Dior.
As for beachwear (or if you must, swimwear), try shopping online. You really don't want to stand naked in front of a bright department-store mirror when it's dark and chilly outside, do you? Click on www.ultimodirect.com for affordable metallic bikinis with gel insert packages for optional cleavage enhancement. Even Donatella would approve. Or go to www.debenhams.com for a choice of beachwear that covers everything from glamour girl to Speedo for the serious swimmer.
It is also worth bearing in mind that fashion designers make something they call Cruise collections (a throwback to the days when the rich and swanky holidayed afloat) with your winter sun in mind. You'll find easy-to-wear clothes with lots of nautical stripes and sunshine prints. Blue and white stripes are a classic and are sure to be in again by the time our summer comes. Bright, swirly prints are also set to be a big trend for next season.
And one more thing. Before you go, why not try the latest in fake tans? Forget streaky lotions - for £35 Fantasy Tan gives you an all-over bronze by spraying you with pigment from an airbrush. It lasts a week, and apparently it's waterproof too, unlike your sparkly new bikini.
