When I was persuaded to sample an hour-long "well-being" massage at what is ostensibly the east Med's finest, Le Spa at Le Meridien in Limassol, I didn't go there completely at ease. But Le Spa felt reassuringly professional and addressed the questions of relative ingenues such as myself with a clear list of instructions: arrive early, change here, wear trunks there, strip now.
We started with thalassotherapy, a salt-water treatment that's one of the spa's big selling points. In our salmon-pink robes and slippers, we marched through the spa like a troupe of Barbara Cartlands to the rock pools outside, where we floated in pools of varying salinity, sometimes with a jet of water pummelling our backs. Easy for some perhaps, although I didn't manage it unscathed.
The first pool, a murky swamp of liquid that looked fresh from the Exxon Valdez, is oiled and salted to the point where standing is impossible and splashing foolish - a drop in the eyes, believe me, is agony. The pools get less salty, until you end up in what is virtually an outdoor Jacuzzi. Here, I was genuinely starting to enjoy my destress, if only for having made it out of the previous pools. Then it was off to the hammam for a steam.
By the time I was back, robed up in a comfy wicker chair in the spa reception, I was blissfully happy. I've never given much credence to the aromatherapy claims on bubble bath bottles, but something smelly in the air was tranquillising me sufficiently to even enjoy the pan-pipe Muzak. Barely alert, I was led into a softly lit room for a massage. With most bodily bits wrapped cosily in a blanket until their time came, I felt warm and snug and couldn't have kept my eyes open if I'd tried. Brushed, oiled and stroked from toe to scalp, I felt quite petulant when it was over, and pretended not to hear the little Tibetan bell that Elemis spas use to bring you round.
I could have happily spent the rest of the visit lying on the treatment table, but relaxation at the Meridien could also be pursued outside the spa. The most difficult decision was first, where to sunbathe, and second, where to eat: the resort has three large pools and six restaurants, with more on the way.
By nightfall, the Meridien was alive with the sound of music. Someone had taken over a pool bar for a barbecue and disco. Tunes were also emanating from Le Café Fleuri where the synthesiser was set to steel band. "Tropical night," explained Andreas, the general manager. We had been warned that the Meridien was a big favourite of Arsenal FC, so we were thrilled to see ex-goalie David Seaman at the piano of the promenade bar, until we realised it was a ponytailed lookalike.
You could probably manage to eat the whole holiday through at Le Meridien without going stir crazy, which is just as well as the resort isn't really best used as a base for exploring the island. Apart from the one Cyprus essential - an annual 340 days of sun - it could be anywhere. Not that Arsenal FC, 700 guests or I are complaining.
· Thomson a la Carte (08702 413157, thomson.co.uk) has 3/4-night mini-breaks Le Meridien from £425pp B&B including flights and private taxi transfers. Three-day destress/revitalise spa packages (lemeridien-cyprus.com) cost from £340pp.
What's new in Cyprus
The Almyra, formerly the Paphos Beach Hotel, has ditched its 70s swirly carpet vibe in favour of a contemporary streamlined take that wouldn't look out of place in the Hollywood hills.
· +357 26 933091, thanoshotels.com. Doubles from approx £125 per night, B&B.
New island pretender is the Thalassa Hotel, 10 minutes outside Paphos on a small peninsula There's no reception desk, and the butler who drives you from the airport takes care of you throughout your stay. Sadly, rooms are on the small side.
· 0800 0324254, ghotw.com. From £200 a night.
Intercontinental's Aphrodite Hills, an upmarket villa complex near Paphos for the golf and tennis brigade, is building a 290-room hotel and opening its swanky Retreat spa to non-residents from March 2005.
· 020-8940 9406, aphroditehills.com. From £200 per night.
Amanda Morison
