This is a bit like learning to drive. There are rows of black switches, unfathomable slidey things and all sorts of knobs and twiddly buttons with flashing lights - and I feel sort of out-of-control, but in a "so-what?" kind of a way.
The good thing is that if I do crash, I'll just end up emptying the bar, nothing worse: I am having DJ lessons. I reckon my Italian DJ master - 22-year-old Davide Crystal - is more nervous about it than me. Perhaps that's why he keeps a reassuring hand hovering over my own. When I flick switches a bit too enthusiastically, he flicks them back again, but still has the grace to say "veerrry good!" Which of course I like. A lot in fact.
Flying into Rimini for our Party Weekend Break - a two-day extravaganza of learning to mix both the coolest tunes and the newest cocktails, rounded off with VIP entrance to one of the town's famous clubs - I had grown increasingly worried I'd made a huge mistake. My mate Helen was in hysterical giggly mode. Back in England, this had sounded an interesting challenge, as we hashed up yet another Abba track on her home karaoke kit and bragged, self-deprecatingly, about the day when we would become real club DJs.
But now it's crunch-time. We are in noMi, the hip Ron Arad-designed bar in the DuoMo hotel, and we are beginning to tot up the downsides of this venture. OK, we're definitely what you might class as "dancing queens", but we hardly fit the rest of those lyrics. Not young. Beyond sweet. And definitely not 17. The real truth is, we're a couple of mums in search of some child-free fun. And whereas back home that doesn't raise eyebrows, somehow I feel it might do here in the clubbing capital of Italy.
Take the website for our VIP nightclub Byblos, for example. You know the sort of thing: close-ups of leggy model-types with flicky hair and buttock-skimming gear, and soft-porn music accompanying the "where-the-beautiful-people-hangout" blurb. Hardly stuff to reassure a couple of normal-looking English women.
But Davide, bless him, doesn't seem at all non-plussed by us. And hey, how un-rock 'n' roll is this? He's taking a break from explaining how CDJs are replacing turntables so we can look at photos of his own four-month-old daughter. Even better, when we finish oohing and aahing, he slams on a Donna Summer remix, presumably in deference to our seniority.
Actually, I'm a bit sorry we aren't learning on turntables, because I had done my homework and knew there was a bit of a retro-vinyl thing happening right now. Besides, I was looking forward to getting to grips with the art of scratching. I particularly liked the sound of a scribble scratch, where you get to move the vinyl back and forth in small shaky-hand stages - it sounded like something we could easily master, especially following our cocktail lesson.
But Davide - a house music maestro - dismisses scratching as hip-hop stuff, even though he began DJing on turntables himself, and clearly prefers them.
"All this gear", he complains, pointing at the complicated decks before us, "costs way too much, and it gets very technical."
He's right of course. This lesson is only an hour long, and you'd have to be something of a computer geek to totally understand what's going on. Yet in the end, it simply doesn't matter. Helen and I are enjoying ourselves. I learn how to "leak" my song in, by counting out a 4-4 rhythm. I go a bit mad with "jet", "zip" and "wah" special effects. ("Hey! Mixing Girl!" jokes Davide.) And we both learn that a DJ needs to read the mood of the floor - inserting energy when dancers begin to flag; changing the style when they look bored, and so on.
This party package is the perfect answer for stag and hen groups wanting something more memorable than collective puking contests. And Davide's friendly approach is echoed throughout town. Though Rimini has undergone something of a sea change in the last couple of years - from Italianate Blackpool, to chic weekend retreat - we find stylish doesn't mean stuck up.
Farini is the latest in a line of smart restaurants, yet when we arrive, red-faced, foot-sore and dressed in jeans (ok, so the beach was further away than we imagined), the waiters welcome us as if we look as sparkly as Nancy dell'Olio.
It's the same story at DuoMo. On first sight, this chic boutique hotel, with its pod-shaped bathrooms and gleaming glass walls that bump you on the head after a cocktail too many, might daunt Rimini's old-time holidaymakers. Yet here too, the staff prove unutterably friendly, and willing to please. They even laugh when I describe Arad's theming as "Big-Brother-house meets Teletubbies".
Even so, real Rimini is still here, irrepressibly Italian, in the best possible way. In the old town, kids helter-skelter their bikes through the Piazza Cavour and lads throttle up their Vespas. When a German clown entertains the aperitivi crowd and asks how many speak English, Helen and I are the only ones to raise our hands.
We enjoy whizzing along the prom on the hotel's free bikes, feeling the wind in our hair and the sun on our backs. In neighbouring San Mauro, we mooch around the designer outlets, although trying to find something suitable for our night at Byblos is thwarted by the wealth of high camp, Dancing-on-Ice dresses for sale.
No matter as we've come prepared for Rimini's party night. On Fridays, clubbers descend on the town from as far away as Rome, intent on fashionable clubs like Pascia, Villa delle Rosa and Byblos.
The latter proves a bit too "Marbella" for our taste - think young babes with haughty expressions, and lizard-skinned lotharios wearing chest bling. More riveting is the DJ. He's not a patch on Davide, and I can even detect a pause between tracks, leaving me itching to hit the decks and show him how to do it properly.
But I'm soon cut down to size. I ask Helen how noMi's audience reacted to my own mixing session.
"Well," she says, "there were some drinkers there - but then they suddenly disappeared."
Getting there
The DuoMo Party Package costs € 242 per person for two nights in a double room including VAT (based on a minimum of eight people in the group). It includes two nights' accommodation, buffet breakfast, one free drink at the noMi club & bar, a DJ lesson at noMi club & bar, a cocktail mixing lesson and VIP entrance to Byblos or Paradiso, a visit to the designer outlets and free use of city bikes. To book, contact DuoMo hotel on +39 0541 24215 duomohotel.com
EasyJet fly to Rimini with return prices from £49.98 (incl taxes)
Other places to learn to DJ
Miami - join an intensive five-day beginner course at Miami's famous Scratch DJ Academy, where you learn mixing and blending, scratching, fader technique and beat making. Courses cost $300.
London - London School of Sound,
runs regular Club DJ Crash Courses lasting 12 hours for complete beginners, using state-of-the-art equipment for £450. The school also offers tuition in Ibiza.
Dublin - Dublin's DJ Training Course offers an overview of the business as well as plenty of hands-on training. Their intensive Training Programme (€ 300) runs over two Saturday sessions, with mixing and music classes taking place in a city centre location. dublinmediacentre.com
