You can always tell the Brits abroad because we're the ones who look like our luggage got lost on the flight over. When we pack our bags, we leave behind all our sensible, normal, everyday, perfectly stylish clothes and, instead, we pack our annual 'holiday wardrobe' - the same one we've been packing for the past five years, clothes we'd never be seen dead in at home. But it's not too late. Smarten up your act with this sartorial guide to the do's and don'ts of dressing for the holidays.
What's hot
Peasant dressing: If you are bound for a Greek island or somewhere remote and sunkissed, and can afford it (the sales are now on), the Italian label Marni has the collection for you. Following a castaway theme, it is all sunbleached deck-chair stripes, crumpled fabrics, stonewashed silks and - pictured here - the ultimate peasant dress of the season. It's white, it's frilly, and the only place you can get away with it is somewhere hot and windswept, with a golden tan. Instead of forking out a four-figure sum on the carved leather accessories, however, use a bit of creative initiative and accessorise from the local market stalls and craftspeople. If you're on a backpackers' budget, there are plenty of cheap rip-offs on the high street.
Kaftan cool: Throw out your sarong: it's soooo last summer. The kaftan is the new sarong. Fashion's favourite design god, Tom Ford, sent kaftans in glorious jungle animal prints down the catwalk for the collection he now designs for Yves Saint Laurent. And even the British style arbiter, Marks & Spencer agrees. Perfect for the beach, when the sun gets too much and you need to cover up. And just the thing to protect your modesty when you want to change out of your bikini in the middle of a crowded beach. It's all very Joan Collins, with a touch of Love Boat thrown in for good measure. Just don't get silly and wear a turban as well.
The right trunks: David Beckham swears by his Guccis. And what's good enough for our David is surely good enough for you. This summer's trunks are surprisingly modest - just the thing for the British bod abroad. In the past, there have been skimpy, barely there thongs and looking ahead to next summer, there are trunks which tie at the sides and, quite frankly, bear more resemblance to your girlfriend's bikini bottoms than anything Burt Lancaster would have been seen in. So stock up while you can. These trunks are neither too skimpy nor so big they flap about like sails in the wind. Now all you need is the six-pack to go with them.
Hawaii Five-0: Hawaiian shirts are always a good look on holiday. They are sunny and bright, and practical too. The big, wide cut is cool and covers a multitude of Big Macs. It's a shirt that makes you feel as though you're on holiday before you've even left for the airport. Best of all, you can pick them up quite cheaply at second hand clothes shops and markets. To be one step ahead, however, have a look at any Dries Van Noten number. At first glance it's kind of Hawaiian. But actually, it's more of an abstract, swirly, psychedelic print. Whatever your choice, think of Elvis in his Hawaiian period, or Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski, and you'll be sure that this is one item that won't date and will be a holiday favourite year after year.
Cool and casual: Paul Smith's outfits push all the right buttons without looking like some cheesy fashion victim's idea of how an Englishman abroad should dress. There's a jacket, but it's unstructured and relaxed; there's a pair of casual trousers (take note: there is life beyond the chino); and there are bare feet (if they are as scary as the ones on the athlete's foot advert, seek help now) in flip-flops. This is ideal for a city break, or for dinner when a pair of shorts and the T-shirt you slept in just won't do. Who knows, you might even be mistaken for an Italian!
Pick'n'mix bikini: Phoebe Philo, the ultra-cool successor to Stella McCartney's throne at French fashion house, Chloe, has her finger firmly on the beach bum's pulse. Her advice for slinking about the golden sands of Ayia Napa this summer? Just chill. Mix and mismatch your bikini tops and bottoms to show how laid back and blissed out you are. For the final hippy chick touch, tie a leather thong round your neck, with your collection of holiday pendants. If a bikini's not your thing, and you need a little more, ahem, support, now's the time to snap up some sale bargains in the posh swimwear departments. Selfridges is a good place to start. Whatever you choose, just make sure it fits.
What's not
His 'n' hers: It's not just the Brits that do this - the Americans are guilty, too. There's a growing trend for couples to dress like identical twins. You see them leaving their hotel in the morning, wearing the same slacks and fleeces, identikit anoraks packed in their matching backpacks in case the weather turns. They're even wearing the same trainers on their feet. It might be easy to buy in bulk from that mail-order catalogue you like so much, and it might be cheap. And it might also be preferable to going out shopping on a Saturday afternoon with hubby, but it looks like you left your brain cells at home along with your identities.
Larging it: Would you ever go out looking like a sack of potatoes at home? No! So why, as soon as you venture abroad, is it suddenly all right to pull out all those X-large T-shirts from your suitcase and then - wait for it - buckle a money belt over the top? Chances are your spare tyre will not thank you for it. Big baggy T-shirts are never a flattering look - especially when teamed with big, baggy drawstring shorts. On every one of your holiday snaps, you'll look like a cross between a beached whale and Waynetta Slob. Your T-shirt might as well say 'I'm British and I'm on holiday from my wardrobe'.
Born-again Jesus sandals: You know the ones: those horrible 'technical', Velcro, Gore-Tex, high performance sports sandals that men, particularly twenty and thirtysomethings have taken to wearing all year round. With white sports socks. This is the modern equivalent of Jesus sandals and brown woolly socks. Except they are uglier. Over the past decade, they have become the most popular man's sandal, presumably because they are tough and rugged, and don't cast aspersions on your manhood. British men like to have 'kit' rather than clothes, or heaven forbid, fashion, and these things are a perfect example of that. Grow up and ditch them. They smell.
Burn, baby burn: You can always tell the Brits abroad because we're the ones sitting outside, baking as we eat our lunch in the fierce midday sun, while the locals are barely breaking a sweat in the cool of the shade. We still do it. And it's not surprising. After the summer we've had, it's hard to resist crisping yourself like a rasher of streaky bacon the minute you hit a beach with a bit of sunshine. But because we are so unused to seeing the sun, we forget that it burns and makes us look like lobsters. It's unhealthy, it's unkind, and it's not a pretty sight. To avoid being one of those British holidaymakers you see easing themselves painfully into the chair on the flight home because they have third-degree burns, all you have to do is apply the sunscreen. And wear a hat.
Ship ahoy! You don't own a yacht, so why dress like you do? There is a tendency among Englishmen of a certain age to adopt a quasi-millionaire-in-St Tropez look when travelling abroad. For a start, that double-breasted, gilt-buttoned jacket looks more British Rail than Savile Row. And whoever told you that deck shoes are a good look needs to go for an eye test. They are like a disease, spreading across the feet of men up and down the country and there's something really uptight and To the Manor Born about them. And leave that pastel-coloured Pringle V-neck at home too.
The cheek of it: On Copacabana, anything more substantial than dental floss between your bum cheeks is unthinkable. But (and OK, this is a slight generalisation) Brazilians have beautiful bottoms. Look at their most famous model export, Gisele Bundchen, for heaven's sake. Now turn around and look in the mirror. Is your bottom smooth, pert and perfect? No, of course it isn't. We British women are blessed in other ways, I'm sure, but for the most part, we've all gone pear-shaped. And despite the fact that the trend for having a 'Brazilian' when you go for your annual pre-holiday body wax is growing, there is no excuse for a G-string bikini on the beach. We have cellulite. We have dimples. Some of us have several bottoms where there should only be one. Be kind to your behind and keep it covered.
