Friday afternoon, and we are checking into Splash Landings. I very much enjoy watertainment in all its forms, so I'm excited at entering Cariba Creek, the hotel's vast Caribbean-themed network of swimming pools and water jets, pumps, geysers, sprays, fountains, buckets, and the Master-Blaster rollercoaster centrepiece, which cascades you on a rubber ring through tunnels that weave in and out of the hotel's walls. Through the window, beyond the check-in desk, Cariba Creek looks fantastic.
The receptionist recites a list of dizzying rules, regarding slots and passes and vouchers. I nod and smile blankly at him. Then we hurry through the corridors to our tiny room to change into our swimming costumes, and head frantically to Cariba Creek.
"Great carpets!" I say to Joel, my five-year-old son. "Who's ever seen carpets with crabs and seaweed all over them before?"
"The carpets are brilliant," Joel agrees, equally over-excited. We reach the Cariba Creek entrance, and screech to a halt, as the receptionist says, "We don't have an available slot until 8pm."
"But ..." I say.
"Cariba! Cariba!" sings Joel, unaware.
"We did tell you at check-in that you had to book your slot allocation straight away," she says.
"But I wasn't listening," I explain, patiently.
"We actually advise customers to book a slot before they leave home," she adds.
"Who books slots BEFORE they leave home?" I say.
We head dejectedly back to our room. I phone reception.
"I'm confused," I say.
"What about?" he asks.
"Slots!" I say. "All your talk of slots just whizzed over my head and now we can't swim until 8pm."
"Oh don't worry about that," he says, before his voice goes conspiratorially quiet. "Here's a tip. We SAY that thing about slots. But just turn up whenever you want to."
"I did!" I say. "And it didn't work."
"Just turn up again," he says.
"Explain the slot allocation system to me one more time," I say.
He does. You are supposed to pre-book your two-hour slot of choice. However - and here's a whole new tip - if you pre-book every single two-hour slot, from 10am to 10pm, for the duration of your stay, you can acquire a rare, blue wristband that will give you access to the pools whenever you like.
I don't mean to sound derogatory, but so far Splash Landings seems a little like I imagine prison to be from reading Jeffrey Archer's diaries. It is not enough to understand the dizzying rules; you also have to put yourself in a position where you can be offered clever insider tips about how to infringe them within the confines of the system. Why not just give everyone a blue wristband at check-in? Why not turn the violations of the rules into the rules? What's going on?
"We don't want to confuse you," says the receptionist. "We want to relax you."
Joel and I anxiously head back to Cariba Creek.
"Uh, can we come in?" I ask the receptionist.
"OK," she says.
Cariba Creek is great. Joel jumps in without his rubber ring. The slope of the pool's floor is so gradual that children of every height and ability bounce confidently around. Every five minutes, a Caractacus Potts-type upside-down house tips over, pouring what feels like tonnes of water on top of us. It is brilliant every time. Rope ladders and stairs take us from the pool up to an adventure playground full of water guns and hoses and buckets and the Master Blaster rollercoaster, in which you sit on a rubber ring and get shot through tunnels by a super-current. You are spun round and round, you bang your arm quite hard on the side of a tunnel, you think "I'm not enjoying this any more" and then you plummet into a pool where others have just plummeted out in front of you. Then you queue up for another go. We spend three very happy hours in Cariba Creek. The only downside, I suppose, is that there's nowhere to actually swim, the place being so full of contraptions.
Unfortunately, everything else about Splash Landings is terrible - and, at £300 a night - expensively terrible. At 7pm, we turn up for dinner in the Exotic Flambo's restaurant to be told that, as we didn't put our names into the slot-allocation system, we cannot eat until 9.15pm.
As I am now wise to such things, I ask the restaurant manager if we can come in anyway. "OK," she says. "Help yourself to the pods."
"The pods?" I ask, imagining some weird kind of peas.
Actually the "pods" are hotplates, full of really bad food. Calling them pods doesn't make the food taste any better. In fact, I would propose that it makes the food actually taste worse, due to the heightened sense of anticipation incurred by the use of the word "pods".
However wise and cynical we are, if we're told that our food is waiting for us in pods, our level of disappointment is going to be greater than it might have been had it been waiting on, say, a plate. Thank God the watertainment was so good, otherwise I fear I may have become critical of the use of the word "watertainment".
An hour after we ordered our drinks - and 20 minutes after we finish our dinner - they still haven't arrived. Indeed, our entire sector seems to be without drinks, even though there are armies of Hawaiian-shirted waiters everywhere. The woman on the next table starts to cry, having asked seven different waiters for their drinks. To make matters even more tense, the waiter who said he'd bring us our drinks 25 minutes ago is now shaking maracas and dancing a calypso with a stuffed bear through the restaurant.
"Oh Cariba!" he sings. "It's a happy day. Oh Cariba!"
"That is a great song," says Joel, solemnly. "I can't get it out of my head."
I glare at the waiter - and, yes, at the bear - with ill-disguised loathing.
After dinner, we decide to abandon the perpetual noise and disorganised chaos of Splash Landings for the evening, and head instead to next door's somewhat antebellum Alton Towers Hotel. It is much calmer, although the brandy alexander I order is undrinkable. In fact, I believe it may be the only cocktail I have ever ordered that I haven't managed to drink. I am no cocktail gourmet. Usually, I'll drink any old crap. It was that bad.
Unlike Splash Landings, the Alton Towers Hotel has outside space - a beautiful lake with a fountain - and ducks and their chicks waddle merrily around. Inside, half-a-dozen redcoat types perform songs from Grease and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang really well.
"They're as good as S Club," says Joel admiringly. We have a lovely evening.
Back at Splash Landings, we discover that our £300 a night room has no soundproofing, and we can hear every creak, every conversation, every bang and crash in the adjoining rooms and corridors all night.
We spend the next day at the theme park. Hotel guests who congregate at 8.30am are led through the woods and get the run of the place for an hour before the day-trippers arrive. This sounds like a great idea, but in reality the only rides open that early are Air and Nemesis - and I am too old and Joel is too young for Air and Nemesis. So instead we just stand there for an hour until the other, sweeter rides open. Then we head back for a final afternoon in Cariba Creek, which is just as much fun the second time around.
I would suggest that the best way to enjoy Splash Landings is to go there for a day, use the pools, and get the last train home, but there is no day rate. Cariba Creek is for hotel guests only. Is it worth a night of irritating, expensive chaos for a few hours of happy watertainment? Just.
Getting there: Alton Towers is signposted from the M1 and M6, an hour's drive away. Exit M6 from north at junction 16, M6 from south, junction 15, M1 from north, junction 28, M1 from south, junction 23a. Nearest railway stations: Stoke-on-Trent and Stafford. National Rail Enquiries (08457 484950, nationalrail.co.uk).
Where to stay: Splash Landings Hotel (08705 001100, altontowershotels.com/splash). Two adults and two children staying on a Friday night in high season would cost £326 for a family room with B&B and two days' access to the pools. Winter Leisure Breaks from £100 per adult and £70 per child for two nights' half-board sharing a family room.
Where to keep your cool this summer
Cotswold Water Park
near Cirencester, Gloucester
Britain's largest water park has 133 lakes covering over 40 square miles - that's bigger than the Norfolk Broads. Water-based activities include angling, sailing, windsurfing, canoeing, cycling, kayaking, jet skiing, water-skiing, and snorkelling. You can book taster sessions and special courses, hire equipment or use your own. The park offers camping and caravanning, self-catering and B&B accommodation in log cabins and traditional inns.
Opening times: 9am-9pm daily.
Prices: car parking £3 weekdays, £6 weekends. Beach and play areas, volleyball and basketball nets, and country walks are all free . Watersports and summer holiday activities are extra.
Information: 01285 861459, waterpark.org. Waterland (watersports bookings, 01285 861202).
Landmark
Carrbridge, Inverness-shire
The Wildwater Coaster is three rides in one: on the Falcon, you ride over a 40ft waterfall; the Otter is gentler with a surprise ending; and the Wildcat is fast and furious. Other attractions at the park include the Ancient Forest with a choice of trails on and above the ground. Ant City is a playground with nets, tunnels, ladders and giant slides.
Opening times: 10am-7pm daily.
Prices: adult £7.95, child (4-14yrs) £5.95, family 5% discount.
Information: 0800 731 3446, landmark-centre.co.uk.
Oakwood
near Narbeth, Pembrokeshire
Wales' largest theme park offers some of the fastest, tallest and most watery rides of their kind. The Hydro is Europe's fastest and wettest water coaster, boasting nine tons of boat and a million gallons of water. Vertigo is an extreme flight experience designed by skydivers.
Opening times: 10am-10pm daily.
Prices: adult £12.95, child (3-9yrs) £11.95, family £46.60, all for as many rides as you want. Vertigo has a supplement.
Information: 0870 1226951, oakwood-leisure.com.
Thorpe Park
Chertsey, Surrey
Depth Charge is the centrepiece of Neptune's Kingdom. Here, you hurtle down a 40ft water chute in inflatable rafts and into the water splash below. Tidal Wave is one of Europe's highest water rides, where riders experience a mammoth wave that will plunge them 85ft through the water.
Opening times: 10am-7.30pm daily.
Prices: adult £25, child (under 12yrs) £18.50, family £67.
Information: 0870 4444466, thorpepark.com.
Waterworld
near Stoke-on-Trent, Staffs
It calls itself the UK's premier indoor water theme park, with 18 major water attractions all set in a constant 86F tropical environment. Rides include Nucleus, the first indoor water-roller-coaster in the UK, where you ride a raft for 375ft of ups and downs. On the Rapids, strong swimmers are carried along in a frantic white-water torrent. On the water assault course, you swing your way across the floating islands.
Opening times: 10am-6pm Mon, Tue, Sat and Sun; 10am-7pm Weds; 10am-8pm Thurs; 10am-9pm Fri.
Prices: adult £5.99, child (2-14yrs) £5.75, family £21.25.
Information: 01782 205 747, waterworld.co.uk.
· Prices and opening times listed are for peak season August school holidays.
