If Harry Enfield's nightmare character Kevin the teenager was enough to make some couples seriously reconsider having children, his current film Kevin and Perry Go Large, will have terrified many parents out of holidaying with their teenagers.
The film chronicles the stroppy adolescent's trip to Ibiza accompanied by his parents and best friend Perry. It makes a fine comic set-piece, the family holiday descending into misery because there's just no pleasing the kids. But one company at least has decided to take the situation seriously. Cosmos, one of the UK's longest established package tour companies and the largest indepen dent operator, has decided to listen directly to teenagers, promising to adopt their recommendations into the company's family holidays.
It's not an easy task. Teenagers are some of the most sophisticated consumers around: media-savvy, fantastically diverse in their interests, aspiring to adulthood but still in need of security.
Little wonder that Danny Talbot, product director at Cosmos, admits that tackling the teenage market had proved daunting to the company: "We have got it more right for younger kids, but this is the hardest one."
Six "teenage directors" aged between 12 and 17 were invited to feed their comments to the firm's "real" directors in exchange for a free family holiday this summer - and none of them needed much prompt ing on what they would and wouldn't enjoy.
Top of the list for both younger and older kids were water-based activities: a fun pool, water polo, water chutes and banana boats. "Lots of people don't like to leave their hotel," said Laila Rayegan-Tafreshi, 15, from Manchester. "If there's stuff going on there, why would you want to go anywhere else?"
But the young people also knew what they didn't like, and that was the way operators try to "entertain" them into groups. Inzone is Cosmos's club for the over 12s: its "trendy" T-shirt (which all the children had been told to wear) and baseball cap (where each had drawn the line) received the definite thumbs down. "Groups are like controlled fun-time," said Laila scornfully. "Groups wearing T-shirts and hats - it can repel people. I like to be individual on holiday."
So, too, the marshalled activities where children were simply put with lots of others their own age and expected to bond immediately. "It's awkward to meet new people," said 13-year-old Laura Gregory from Wisbech. "If you are having fun, you will make friends. But if you're all in a circle saying your name, it doesn't really work."
Yet all agreed that some social engineering was necessary to get them together with other young people. So how to keep them happy? Younger adolescents, aged between 12 and 14, want activities: beach discos, barbecues, beach volleyball and the frequently-mentioned watersports. The girls suggested make-overs and talent shows, while the boys were keen on computer games and arcades, team sports and videos.
With older teenagers, it becomes more difficult. The word "freedom" was written in capital letters and underlined by the group of 15- to 17-year-olds. They would like to see more activities organised especially for them - "where you wear your own clothes", stressed Laila.
Teenagers could sign up for shopping trips to local towns, non-alcoholic discos ("in real nightclubs") and local water parks. They wanted their own keys to their bedrooms when they were sharing with parents, and a discount to allow them to bring a friend more cheaply on the trip. Once again watersports scored highly, though with more adventurous spin - water skiing, bungee jumping, jet skiing. Karaoke and Blind Date competitions would provide marshalled opportunities for flirtation.
Mostly, they wanted the opportunity to take part in organised activities if they chose to, and the freedom to look after themselves if they preferred. "When you are on holiday as a teenager, you want to be treated like an adult," said Christian Stokes, 17, from Romsey in Hampshire, .
"We have patronised them by giving them a T-shirt," admitted Talbot with a smile. "But I honestly don't think any other tour operator is getting it right either. At least we can be big enough to say, well, we cocked up."
It's a fiendishly difficult audience to cater for, however, and perhaps just as parents are doomed to misunderstand their teenagers, holiday companies may never get it quite right either. All of the older children could have passed for over 18 - and one wonders whether all the watersports in the world will be able to compete with the allure of nightclubs serving sangria and playing Balearic house till 6am.
"If I hadn't won a free holiday, I would be going away with 12 mates to a villa," admitted Christian, away from the besuited directors. He tugged at his Inzone T-shirt. "I don't mean to be abrupt, but most 17-year-olds are not going to want to be doing this."
The wish list
What they love
12 to14-year-olds
• Water activities: fun pool, water polo, water chutes, banana boats. * Beach discos, barbecues.
• Make-overs, talent shows for the girls.
• Arcade games, team sports, videos for the boys.
15 to 17-year-olds
• Freedom to choose whether or not to participate in activities.
• Shopping trips, non-alcoholic discos in real nightclubs.
• Own keys to bedrooms.
• Discounts to bring friends.
• Waterskiing, bungee-jumping.
• Blind Date and karaoke competitions.
What they hate
• Group entertainment, which is likened to "controlled funtime" and at which they are expected to instantly bond with strangers.
• Uniform of T-shirts and baseball caps.
