I really like CenterParcs. Those who have not yet visited these forest resorts mistakenly think of them as a middle-class Butlins, regimented and landmined with compulsory public embarrassments. Far from it. Villas are secluded enough to suit the most dedicated misanthrope. You can do as much or as little as you please from their enormous range of activities and there is no obligatory shoulder-rubbing with other holidaymakers. The nearest one gets to a knobbly knees contest is the back row of cardio kick-boxing in the fitness studio.
It would take a stronger will than mine, though, not to get mixed up in the whole swirling, healthy, toddler-carpeted, pedal-pushing maelstrom. Elveden, Longleat, Sherwood - this family has done all the UK bases at least twice during the past seven years, as well as Channel-hopping to La Bruyères in France, part of a Continental network that also includes centres in Belgium, Holland and Germany.
But now the boys are teenagers, urban ones at that. The 15-year-old's chief leisure activity involves being the drummer in the kind of band that makes noises like a washing machine being thrown out of a window. He is too old for the CenterParcs football course, and too young for the gym. The 13-year-old, meanwhile, is umbilically attached to his PlayStation 2.
The big question was whether they would be quite as diverted as they once were by the wholesome delights of nature trails and wild water rapids, or whether they would lurk around sullenly in their boxer shorts, bickering over custody of the remote and refusing to join in. In short, were the days of our CenterParcs family holidays finally over?
The destination this time was a midweek break at Longleat Forest, built on a kind of mini-Pyrenees in bucolic Wiltshire and featuring villas and apartments set among giant redwood trees and laced by boardwalks zig-zagging through banks of azaleas. The company is constantly updating, upgrading and refurbishing the sites, and has added Wine & Food breaks to its Fitness Motivation weekends, but the basic format of the three or five-day short-break holiday hasn't changed: no cars, loads of fresh air, and plenty of opportunity for children to roam unsupervised in a small, idyllic universe.
You still arrive there stressed out, work-worn and full of bile. You set up home in a forest glade in your own villa or apartment, wake up each day to the honk of wild ducks and the tinkle of bicycle bells. You cycle and walk, snooze and laze, have facials and manicures, jump around in the gym a bit and leave a few days later in a state of almost eerie serenity.
All the villas have been redecorated and refurbished, and have 13-channel TV, central heating, open fire, microwave and conventional cooker. We stayed in a two-bedroomed Executive Villa, the extra £150 charge more than made up for by the arrival of a maid every morning to make the beds and vacuum up all the Pringles crumbs that teenagers leave like spoors. Also thrown in were a hydrobath, extra loo, hairdryer and phone, and we were even supplied with a sachet of washing-up liquid - the one thing I always forget to bring.
Unlike at the other CenterParcs, where the main centres of activity are more or less contiguous upon each other, you need pedal power and navigational skills for Longleat, though there is a Land Train that will deposit you at all the essential venues. Of these, the Plaza has the Subtropical Swimming Paradise, the Parcmarket, three eateries (Luciano's, Huckleberry's and Chez Pierre) and newly-rejigged Roman-style tenpin bowling with adjacent disco, all indoors under a huge bubble of a roof beside which the waters of the Wild Water Rapids and hot outside pool hiss and sluice most dramatically in the Wiltshire twilight.
As ever, family members went their separate ways from day one, each flinging themselves into an ambitious schedule of whatever they fancied. I enjoyed my usual aerobic overdose - aerobikes (£4 exhilaratingly spent), aerobic cocktail (£3.50) and an hour in the fitness studio (unlimited midweek use £8.50). The Pilates class was, alas, full, so I consoled myself by lobbing an enormous amount of money in the direction of Nike and Reebok at the Sportique and had to book myself for some rest and recovery with a facial at the Aqua Sana health spa (25 minutes, £19, lovely).
Meanwhile, the boys jumped on their bikes and headed straight for the Subtropical Swimming Paradise, open from 10am to 10pm and use of which is included in the cost of the holiday. When they were flumed out, they tried things they wouldn't consider in a million years back in town, such as Laser Clay Shooting (£15 for 45 minutes, enthusiastic applause for the instructor), the Golf Simulator (not a snip at £20 an hour, but highly entertaining) and Roller-Skating (£2.50, hurrah). I hadn't anticipated the sheer pleasure they would take in being able to plan their own activities and get to them independently rather than being ferried around traffic-choked roads by a chain of irascible parents.
The boys were old enough to eat where they chose, so while they dined US-style at Huckleberry's, mum and dad pigged out at La Sapinière, which featured the sort of ivory-tickling pianist whom the husband always starts applauding and waving at after the second bottle.
The catering at CenterParcs has improved noticeably. Last year, all the head chefs were despatched to France to see how things could be done, with the result that beetroot risotto (very tasty) and baked cod and mash (ditto) now feature on the menu. The Parcmarket mini-supermarket has been "Islingtoned", too, balsamic vinegar and red Camargue rice joining more traditional items on the shelf.
The best family meal of the entire break was at the Country Club restaurant, situated within the Jardin des Sports - grand fish and chips and rib-eye steak, warm and efficient service and a young magician from Weston-Super-Mare, Noah Kelly, who toured the tables doing fab card tricks and caused the boys' attitude to be rapidly revised from disdainful embarrassment to childlike pleading for dachshunds made out of blue balloons.
There were some imperfections. At £12.50 a week, the bicycles available for hire weren't great - getting the dynamos to work entailed the destruction of several fingernails; Aqua Sana and the Jardin des Sports are to be found mainly by a series of hints and clues rather than the signposting. But these were piffling irritations compared to the sheer fun of the almost endless permutations of activity and the restorative value of slumping on one of the villa's new comfy sofas, relishing a birdsong-filled quietness broken only by the occasional oaths of people who couldn't get their dynamos to work.
Way to go
Julie Welch and family paid £638 for a Monday-Friday midweek break at the two-bedroom Executive Villa, Longleat Forest. Price varies according to season. CenterParcs Reservations: 08705 200 300, www.centerparcs.com. A two-course meal for four at Country Club including wine costs £45.
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