Alan Titchmarsh
Presenter of Ground Force, author of Animal Instincts
Must-take item: reading glasses
He may be a dab hand at knocking up a herbaceous border, but can the Ground Force guru cope with the wilderness? 'Undoubtedly,' says Cameron, 'his reading glasses are a fantastic, multi-purpose survival instrument.'
Not only can the lens be used to intensify the sun's rays for fire-starting, but they can be sharpened into an arrowhead for hunting and skinning animals.
Should Titchmarsh develop a rash - perhaps after building an emergency compost dump - he can use the lens to check if the infection is critical. 'Place the glass over the irritation,' says Cameron. 'An innocuous one will disappear, but something highly contagious will remain.'
The frames can be straightened and filed into a spear, bent into a fishing hook or used to winkle crustaceans out of shells. He could also mix fire ash and water together and use the sharpened frames to tattoo diary notes on to his skin, guaranteeing a survival bestseller, and, please God no, a tropical makeover for some unsuspecting garden in Luton.
Ellen MacArthur
Yachtswoman, the fastest woman to single-handedly sail around the world
Items: laptop, Palm Pilot, mobile phone
She's been round the world on her own, says Cameron, she'll be fine. The laptop makes a large reflector for attracting attention, and a trap for small animals (prop up on sticks, which are pulled away at the critical time). Sunglasses could be cut out of the screen, while the circuit board could be used for digging, melted into adhesive or worked into a spearhead.
MacArthur's Palm Pilot is even more useful, providing batteries to start a fire (place end to end, rub the positive terminal with wire to produce sparks), a fishing weight or a hand-sized missile for hunting.
Finally, while the power lasts, her mobile phone is a good torch and, with its computer games, a useful morale booster. And its most annoying feature could also be its best. 'The catchy ring tones are very useful,' says Cameron. 'Ellen can entertain the natives to secure supplies.'
Charlotte Church
Teenage Welsh soprano, Rear of the Year.
Item: CD collection
'I'm very happy with Charlotte's choice,' says Cameron. 'She shouldn't have any morale problems. The CDs can be used as Frisbees; as decoration for surrounding trees or strung on to a necklace. They're also handy mirrors for eyebrow plucking, and, if they're snapped and sharpened on rocks, make a fine DIY Ladyshave.' Perfect pins to go with the 2002 Rear of the Year.
The CDs would also allow her to flash distress signals at passing aircraft or boats and provide an easily spotted tiled roof for her shelter. The small lens in each CD's centre can also focus the sun for fire starting, or illuminate dark recesses under rocks. The teenage singer could use them to dig for grubs, with four worn as elbow and kneepads, cut them into arrow flights or melt them down for adhesive. They are also valuable trading currency with locals: 'I often give them presents like cigarettes,' says Cameron. 'It engenders goodwill.'
If all else fails, Sting's CD would make an excellent Amazonian lip plate.
Claire Sweeney
Actress (Brookside, Chicago)
Item: hair dryer
Shame she didn't know this before Celebrity Big Brother, but Sweeney's hair dryer flex is 'perfect for strangulation', while the copper heating element is a natural trip wire for an animal trap. If the actress holds the flex and twirls the dryer round her head, it will make a lethal weapon when released 'and provide a heavy club for delivering the death blow to the wounded animal'. A patio to hide the corpse would make it a bona fide Brookside plot.
Open up the dryer and Sweeney can use any congested hair as kindling, and insert the fan into a strong stream current as a mini source of hydro-electric power. 'It's not easy,' admits Cameron, 'but if she runs two wires into the dryer, and a copper one off as the source, she could generate a current.'
Finally, the plug is a good fishing weight and its square pins could be filed down on rocks to make sharp spear tips. Wonderful! Fresh food, cooked on electricity.
Arabella Weir
Actress (The Fast Show), author (Stupid Cupid)
Items: sarong, large cotton sweater.
Weir's cotton sweater is a winner, and not just because it will cover certain parts of her anatomy. She could pluck it to provide kindling, or run it up as a flag to attract attention. It's also a good source of drinking water. 'Boil brine over a fire and hold the sweater above to collect the evaporation,' says Cameron. 'You can then suck it or wring it out of the material.'
Alternatively, it could be used to filter nasties out of sandy or brackish water, or pushed into narrow gaps to soak up inaccessible rock reservoirs.
Clearly in touch with his feminine side, Cameron was unfazed by Weir's sarong. It could be held over the fire to release smoke signals, strung up as a hammock or sun shelter, and draped over a stick frame to make a flimsy, if fashionable, rucksack. Who said survival ruled out style?
Tamara Beckwith
Society gal
Items: Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream, Louis Vuitton vanity case, Pilot pen.
Society bashes and OK! photo shoots may be thin on the ground, but Beckwith is surprisingly well placed to endure her traumatic castaway experience. The Eight Hour Cream is multi-talented, doubling up as cooking fat, lubrication, treatment for irritations, and as insect barrier (spread a circle around you before you sleep, insects won't cross it). Like several cosmetics, it might be edible 'if Beckwith carries out the poison test (see panel above)'. Sadly, Cameron couldn't duplicate a chilled glass of Bolly.
Beckwith's vanity case is an efficient animal trap. 'Dig a hole, place the open case inside and cover with leaves and twigs,' says Cameron. 'When the animals falls inside, pull away the sticks propping open the lid.' It's also good for making bricks. Simply fill it with a soil and water mix, then leave to sun dry. Murder on the nails daaarling, but efficient.
The Pilot Pen can convert into a blowpipe, a straw for supping through thin crevasses and a tattooing implement, maintaining the It gal's extraordinary eyebrows. OK yah!
A.A. Gill
Author (A.A. Gill Is Away)
Items: Australian stockman's trousers, desert boots
Gill's strange penchant for rugged stockman's trousers makes it unlikely that we will see a premature end to the suave author's career. Should he plan to escape across the ocean, he could tie a knot in each leg to create an effective buoyancy aid or cut them up to provide a tough set of sails. They can also be wrapped around a branch to make a fish trap (see panel above) or, if the writer is craving a Met Bar cocktail, the trousers will double up as a DIY ankle strap to climb trees for coconuts (pull down around ankles, place feet around either side of trunk). Heat the coconut milk, siphon off the steam and let evaporated drops ferment for several days.
Gill could also eat his suede desert boots. 'They're tough as hell and hard to digest,' says Cameron. 'But look at the stories from German concentration camps.' More palatably, he could wear them continuously until the stench is ripe enough for animal bait, holding one back for a missile or club.
·The Complete SAS Guide to Safe Travel, by Nick Cameron, is published by Piaktus, £9.99
