After piling on the pounds and exuding the toxins at Tinarana, all we needed was a dose of Claureen. Barely half an hour away across the wet west Irish countryside, and you're in another world. Instead of a menu you have a choice of apples or bananas, and a plum if you're lucky. Instead of a wine list, there's a choice of herbal teas. And instead of a Victorian pile with an estate, there's a terrace-style house with a garden near the centre of a town.
People serious about losing weight, getting rid of toxins, and starting a new life of virtue come to Claureen for a week or two. And they return, time and again. Legend - and the manager - has it that since it was founded 18 years ago, one person has been 48 times.
The regulars like it for precisely the reason it is my idea of hell: only fruit for supper, no drink, and yoga before collapsing into bed. This is a hard-core health farm. The diet is semi-starvation. Breakfast consists of a grapefruit - without sugar - that hardly made me feel I was breaking my fast. Lunch is home-made (and delicious!) soup and salad. You might occasionally get a potato (until you've been here, you have no idea what delight a potato can bring). For dinner, you eat only fruit. There's no coffee, tea, or alcohol.
Then there's the hour of aerobics in the morning, the organised walks and the hour and a half of yoga at night.
Over the regulation five-day stay, everyone loses weight - you have little choice. One decidedly portly man apparently lost two stone in three weeks. It is of course possible to cheat, but no one admitted to it.
Weight isn't the only thing lost. By the third day, there are headaches and lost tempers from caffeine deprivation (a little jar of real coffee is kept to control any emergencies). People get tired and spend a lot of time in their rooms or draped in front of the television. But towards the end of your stay, you feel revitalised and energised. At least that's what I was told.
There are many distractions, like Indian head massages, leg waxings and reflexology. As the reflexologist massaged my foot, she told me my big toe was in fact my head, and the little hairy part on top of it was my face - and I could see the likeness. Reflexology is said to heal any ailments, if you have it often enough, keeps your 'body in harmony' and get rid of any toxins that have crept back in. Despite my cynicism, she did find out that my gums are prone to bleeding and that I have an achy knee. Maybe there's something in it. It certainly made my sore feet feel good.
There is a definite camaraderie among guests, fighting the common battle against flab and toxins. The hunger got to me, though - after just half a day. I felt miserable. In the evening, as I tried to dissolve my pain in the bliss of sleep, I promised myself a trip to the nearest burger bar in the morning. But a funny thing happened. By the morning I was no longer hungry. I had my grapefruit and waited until lunch. I had a salad lunch and much to my surprise I was fine. My stomach contracted, my body got used to it, and the pounds fell off. If I can lose weight and resist temptation here, anyone can.
It worked wonders until it was time to leave and we got to the airport. As I waited for the plane, I had an awful steak and chips. But it's one of the happiest meals I've had for years.
Getting there
A five-night package at Claureen costs £315 per person based on single occupancy or £285 sharing. It includes all food, aerobics and yoga, use of gym, guided walks and a massage. (00 353 65 682 8969).
