Our car breaks down on the way and we spend an hour and a half on the hard shoulder of the M6 and then three hours in a garage in Walsall. So the four of us arrive late in Llandudno, dirty, smeared with consolatory chocolate, exhausted and sick of cars and a little bit sick of each other.
In other places it might not matter, but as we drive along the Victorian promenade where nothing appears to have changed in 150 years, I can almost sense the town drawing its skirts away from us in sniffy disgust. The Victorian grande dame seems to have given us the thumbs down.
It's probably because I'm tired. A few minutes later, we pull up at the Empire Hotel, situated where the edge of the town begins to climb up the side of the Great Orme, and our reception could not be warmer. Our room (three floors up and no lift because it's listed) is wonderful, comfortable and elegant with a view out across the whole town. We manage to get down to the seafront for about 10 minutes, and then give up on everything, and order lovely, decadent room service, which is whisked up to us and genuinely delicious (still feeling guilty for sending the waiter back down those stairs because he'd forgotten the wine, but really, if you've ever needed a drink ... ).
We are all starving, and then immediately knackered, the boys pass out as if I've coshed them, and Mike follows suit about five minutes later, snoring into his chest in that admirable masculine way. I spend a little bit longer staring out over the bay and the coloured lights along Mostyn Street, and then give up too. Mmmm, fresh crisp bed linen.
But at first light Llandudno still looks disconcertingly stuffy. This was one of the first purpose-built seaside resorts in Britain, constructed in the 1850s by the enterprising Mostyn family who recognised the growing Victorian appetite for holidays and realised that there was one part of their huge north Wales estate which could be the perfect location. There had been much debate over possible industrial purposes for the neck of land between two hills, the Great and the Little Orme, extending out into the Irish Sea, but the Hon EML Mostyn MP put a stop to all that by getting through an Act for the Improvement of Llandudno. Thus the ultimate Victorian resort was born, and there is an air of dusty gentility about it to this day.
The boys are oblivious, of course. First, we are dragged on to the Great Orme Railway - my train-obsessed oldest has not stopped talking about it since spotting the station last night - which turns out to be a pair of tramcars that head up through the narrow streets before rattling their serene way up the steep sides of the Great Orme (not really a mountain, more of an ambitious hill). The tramcar feels enjoyably out of place away from the houses, and the journey there and back is a perfect length for a three year old with limited proficiency at sitting still.
After that, we head to nearby Conwy Castle, which has all of the air of awesomeness one looks for in a good castle, and eat yummy lunch at the Castle Hotel - fishcakes, a pancetta and avocado salad, big fat chips, and lots of nibbly things.
Then we head down to Llandudno beach, where both boys balk at a ride on the gentle-eyed donkeys. Modern youth! I'm disappointed that there are no goats invading the town: apparently one of the Mostyns managed to buy a pair of Queen Victoria's goats many years ago, and let them loose on the Great Orme where they turned out to breed like holidaymakers. Every so often there is a goat population explosion and they try to break into the town (for a drink maybe? Or just a nice hot shower?) and have to be repulsed by the people of Llandudno. Not this week unfortunately. A spot of intensive rock-pooling follows, until everyone is very wet and sandy, and then finally we hit the pier, which is a really plum version of the genre: it bends around the headland and is one of the longest I've ever walked along.
So far, so very very traditional. But among the Punch and Judy shows and bandstands, there are definite signs of modern life. There are a few excellent eateries, like the Fat Cat cafe, part of a very cool northern chain. The Hambone delicatessen in Lloyd Street has collected some delicious local cheeses and its sister shop, Ainsworth's, has invested in a juicer and a proper coffee machine. The Escape B&B, on the same road as the Empire, is a contemporary boutique-style pad and as modern and classy as you could possibly desire (no children allowed, very appealing idea).
And down on the seafront the first building to be erected as part of the brave new Llandudno all those years ago has now been completely renovated, with a combination of modern and original features that comes off just perfectly: the huge rooms in Osborne House include walk-in wardrobes, baths as well as walk-in showers, period iron bedsteads, fireplaces, huge sofas and art pieces collected by the owners Leonard and Elizabeth Maddocks. This is clearly more of a labour of love than a paying venture.
Dinner at Osborne House, on the tables out in front with two worn-out boys behaving reasonably well apart from Ben's persistent attempts to climb in through the dining room window (Sam has been bribed with a Superheroes comic and makes us do the Scooby Doo quiz four times), is lovely: Conwy valley lamb shank with ratatouille, fresh fresh monkfish for Mike, and sausages for the boys which vanish extremely quickly, followed by a chocolate fondue. And then everyone is somehow exhausted again.
The boys have to be carried up those stairs and slung into their beds like little ragdolls, and my legs give out and Mike is once again snoring almost before he hits the mattress. Alright, I give in. She may look like a tutting old lady, but my god, Llandudno's got a pair of can-can legs under that skirt.
Way to go
Getting there: National Rail Enquiries (08457 484950, thetrainline.com).
Where to stay: Empire Hotel (01492 860555, empirehotel.co.uk), from £90 per room per night B&B. Escape B&B (01492 877776, escapebandb.co.uk) from £70 per room, B&B. Osborne House (01492 860330, osbornehouse.com), from £145 per room B&B.
Further information : Wales Tourist Board (0800 9156567, visitwales.co.uk).
