It is hard to see the attraction of waxworks - especially if, like me, you work in an office inhabited by lifeless dummies. Yet Madame Tussaud's attracts. Boy, does it attract. London's top commercial tourist spot holds such a commanding grip on the minds of visitors that it has now come to embody the quintessence of Cool Britannia, a trendy melting pot where Tony Blair meets the Beatles and Lord Nelson canoodles with Barbara Windsor.
This strange confluence of ideas and history generates such mighty queues that punters have to endure many hours of rain, cold and foul-smelling emanations from burger stalls to gain entrance to its halls - and then only after they have shelled out £11 for a ticket (£7.50 for a child).
Once inside, you are guided round a tight, fixed circuit that has the benefit of preventing wayward children and grandmothers from straying, but which takes away any sense of mystery or exploration from the place.
You start in a courtyard in which the waxworks' most recent attractions are displayed: Hugh Grant (but no Liz Hurley), Pierce Brosnan, Mel Gibson, a motley crew of failed English sportsmen (a tautology, I admit), and a horrible, smirking Terry Venables (so don't go on a full stomach).
Most figures are fairly well constructed and lifelike. However, apart from a robot animated Lenny Henry, they don't... well, they don't do an awful lot. They just stand there like a lot of, er, well, dummies, and there is a limit to how many times you can photograph your kids making signs behind Chris Evans or leering at Kylie Minogue.
In the rooms beyond, you can catch a few film stars - Michael Caine and Anthony Hopkins - before you reach the main historical gallery, with its kings and queens of England, world leaders and Cabinet members.
Again, there is nothing else to do but pose and photograph: here's me and the Pope, here's the kids and Queen Victoria, granny and John Major. It could go for an eternity. I became desperate to do something, anything, and positively pined for Legoland and Loggers Leap, or Alton Towers and Oblivion.
On the other hand, Anna, 12, our elder daughter, her friend Charlotte and Olivia five, our younger daughter, were all moderately amused - although Olivia was frightened by the Chamber of Horrors, which we seemed unable to avoid or detour.
By contrast, Anna and Charlotte - both Point Horror and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans - thought the chamber's torture scenes, burnings at stakes, beheadings, disembowellings and other horrors were 'cool and really scary', though the absence of an Ann Widdecombe tableaux fortunately stopped the chamber from being truly terrifying.
The visit finished with a Disneyland-like ride - in a taxi-cab through a spirit of London experience, a bizarre amalgamation of scenes of the Great Fire, the Plague and the Swinging Sixties.
Very surreal, but a painless, fairly fun way to end the tour, though our departure brought another disappointment: the discovery that most rock stars' figures have now been decamped to the Tussaud Group's new venue Rock Circus near Picadilly Circus.
For Olivia, the lack of Spice Girls was a heart-rending affront, for the rest of us a source of relief. Nevertheless, the fact that some of the most famous modern waxwork figures were now housed separately was not made apparent until we were inside the building.
In all, Madame Tussaud's is only moderate family fun, and really only suitable for older kids - who can at least recognise Nelson Mandela and the Queen. But the price is very steep while the queues at this time of year are utterly preposterous. Wait till November if you feel that you really have to go.
As for getting there, that is the easy bit. Baker Street Tube station is just across the road, and there are plenty of NCP car parks in the area, though the latter impose a startling £5.30 two-hour minimum charge, even on a Sunday.
Finally, the food and drink tariff was typical captive family fare - £5 for two medium Cokes and two small mineral waters - while the cafe was chaotic, particularly in one annexe where they have a shooting gallery!
Tour guide
Getting there: Go by Tube to Baker Street. If driving, there are a number of car parks in the area; NCP ones have a £5.30 minimum charge for two hours.
Entry: Big queues, well managed but be prepared to wait three or four hours.
Tickets: £11 for adults, £7.50 children.
Ambience: Pretty hot and sweaty in summer.
Food and drink: Standard burger and chips fare. OK for what it is.
Navigation: Easily followed circuit. You can't avoid going into the Chamber of Horrors, which upset our five-year-old.
Kids' favourite: Waxworks of celebrities such as Hugh Grant and Pierce Brosnan.
Adult favourite: A Lenny Henry figure that tells jokes.
Biggest disappointment: Waxwork pop stars have all been moved to Rock Circus.
Parent's tip? Don't take young children; they won't recognise the people and won't like the Chamber of Horrors.
Kids' verdict? It's all right.
Parent's verdict? Disappointing.
