We'd checked in barely 24 hours earlier and already I was institutionalised. It took a phone call to the front desk to make me realise. "Yes, sir, I'll put it on right away," the receptionist said, with just a hint of something in her voice that made me think that I wasn't the only guest in the place who was barking. But then it was 5.03pm - and for the last three minutes I'd been wondering just what had happened to Ashford Castle's daily screening of The Quiet Man.
Like all the best ancient traditions, this one is both made-up and modern. The castle has been here since 1228 and director John Ford only arrived with John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara in 1951. "Have you seen The Quiet Man yet?" asked a fellow guest in the lift on day one. "The people in Cong are still like that."
His remarks made me a little nervous about venturing out to the village past the gates of the castle, but I needn't have worried: Ford's film is no Straw Dogs, but a romantic comedy; all sweeping Irish landscapes and blarney, a tourist board's dream. You can't really blame Cong - with its Quiet Man-themed bars and obligatory film nights - for not wanting to move on.
Guests at Ashford should be warned that the castle itself plays no part in the film beyond the opening credits. This doesn't stop you feeling like you're in a film set, though - the place boasts turrets from a medieval epic, the formal dining of a costume drama, suits of armour straight out of Scooby Doo. In an alcove near the Minstrel's Gallery, you can see a wall of photos of the many real-life film stars who did stay here (Russell Crowe, Pierce Brosnan), not to mention world leaders (Mary Robinson, Tony Blair) - or indeed both (Ronald Reagan).
One properly ancient tradition proved an unexpected pleasure: falconry. On the grounds of the castle is an enclosure where a small but passionate team looks after an array of birds of prey: Harris hawks, eagles, falcon and one lazy but spectacular tiger-plumed owl. Russ, a falconer from Sheffield - very Sean Bean - took us out walking through the tree-lined paths with Wexford, a Harris hawk.
Such birds were once trained as hunters. Today, Russ explained, his charges are still free to fly off, but tend to return for some guaranteed dinner. It's quite something to see the hawk swoop in for a scrap of meat, landing perfectly from a hundred-foot glide on your gloved wrist and pecking off the food in one easy movement. You then cast him off on the wing with one graceful throw - at least in theory. As Russ politely pointed out after I tried it, few birds fly backwards. The session ended with Wexford tearing apart a baby chicken on my glove. Well, he'd been so good, we could forgive a minor indiscretion.
Later we strolled through woodlands and around the loch, and had a crack at the nine-hole golf course, too good to miss even in the constant rain. I'm just a beginner but coming up over the crest of a hill to tee off towards a castle and loch would surely feel a little special for any golfer.
A boy could grow quite dizzy in these regal surroundings. But then the staff couldn't have been friendlier if I really had been the 38th Lord of Cong, King of Ireland, or whoever else might normally be in residence. My girlfriend requested baked beans for breakfast on the first morning; the next day, our waiter looked as flushed with happiness as a dad at a wedding to have anticipated the second plate.
In fact, the only duff note was the dinner, which with one vegetarian dish in particular was well below the standard you'd expect for the price and the formal surroundings of their George V dining room. But the management, to their credit, did respond quickly to our complaints and removed the offending item from the menu. And we enjoyed dinner in the cosier lounge bar the next night. The vaunted new chef from a Michelin-starred establishment was away, we were informed; though one regular visitor from America told me he never eats in the dining room.
But then it was back to town. Ashford is currently linking up with the Merrion, an upmarket hotel in the financial district of Dublin, for a town and country package offering a quick taste of two sides of Ireland. Admittedly, this is Celtic Tiger Dublin rather than your gritty Commitments or Angela's Ashes - the Merrion is bang in the heart of the capital's governing area, opposite the Parliament, and holds what's renowned among the best restaurants in the country. It's also on the doorstep of the national gallery, and the hotel boasts a fair art collection of its own, including a distinctive statue of James Joyce in the gardens. Click here for full review.
Another icon resides in nearby Merrion Square, a park enclosed by enormous Georgian terraces housing such august institutions as the Irish FA and the American College. At No 1, you'll find a plaque commemorating an astonishing-sounding man: "Aural and opthalmic surgeon, archaeologist, ethnologist, antiquarian, biographer, statistician, naturalist, topographer, historian, folklorist, lived in this house from 1853 to 1876". All this and still not enough: Sir William Robert Wills Wilde was to be upstaged by son Oscar, whose statue reclines provocatively in the gardens opposite.
As first-time visitors, we did the typical tourist thing and visited the Guinness Storehouse on Thomas Street - which turned out, after an initial few displays of corporate agitprop, to be a genuinely interesting museum, as well as providing one of the best views in town from its top-floor bar (€13.50, includes free pint of Guinness).
We also made our way down to Temple Bar, even if this once-renowned area for nightlife is now losing its lustre ("all Americans, French and pickpockets," growled our taxi driver); a better bet is to drift south of Wicklow Street, several Dubliners counselled. But then you don't need a guide to find a busy pub in Dublin.
And there is one place of interest that might appear a particular marvel to visitors from Britain, whose post offices decline and disappear by the day. Dublin's General Post Office on O'Connell Street, from where rebels read out the Proclamation of the Irish Republic in the 1916 Easter Uprising, is a beautifully preserved building - bullet holes included. It's the kind of place that's a pleasure to stand in and admire, yet it's also a fully functioning office providing all the services once taken for granted on this side of the Irish Sea.
Way to go
The Town and Country package offers two or three nights at The Merrion, arriving on Friday, followed by two or three nights at Ashford Castle for €999 per person per stay (approximately £684), complete with Deluxe King rooms and full Irish breakfast at both hotels. The offer includes free admission to exhibitions at the National Gallery, a complimentary catalogue of The Merrion's art collection and return limousine transfer from The Merrion to Ashford Castle. Guests are also offered a complimentary welcome cocktail on arrival at Ashford and can choose from a free round of golf or a half-hour falconry lesson. The offer, valid until December 31 2005, is based on double occupancy and is subject to availability.
· The Merrion; tel. +353 1 603 0600, fax +353 1 603 0700; email reservations@merrionhotel.com
· Ashford Castle; tel 00.353.94.95.46003
Useful links
Guinness Storehouse
