It was one of those moments when you walk into the wrong room but can't back out. Only when I'd settled down in the corner of the sauna in the basement of the Hotel Jagdhof did I realise that seven naked men and one naked woman were smearing themselves with honey, under the orders of a man with the face of Bobby Ball and a pair of Speedos tight enough to make Tony Blair blush. And then he got the fruit out ...
There are strange things going on in Austria, and many of them occurring under the banner of wellness. And this peculiar fixation is well reflected in the resort of Neustift, a village that winds along a Tyrolean valley: you can take your pick of wellness apartments, hotels with wellness centres, or even drop off at an Institut für Wellness und Therapie within the space of a few hundred yards. Or, as we did, wind down from a day's skiing in the Jaghdof's immense spa.
Steam rises from the bowels of the hotel, where an outdoor heated pool flanks the star attraction: the Jaghdof's World of Vitality, a place of murky rooms, steaming chambers and bubbling pools. Adjoining is a set of treatment rooms, Diana's World of Beauty (named, they stress, after the goddess of hunting and not the princess - otherwise they'd have to rename it Camilla's World of Beauty, and that would never do).
Most striking are the various Wonka-esque contraptions that dot the spa: in a dark chamber, an iron water wheel turns wooden pails; something in the sauna triggers an arm that moves a wrought metal bucket from flames to a sink. I took a stone oil bath, sliding doubtfully into brown churning foam that looked of the type that did for Augustus Gloop. Did it do anything? Search me. But an aromatherapy massage - very relaxing, promised Helga - sent me to sleep.
Therapeutic or not, it definitely felt like a warm and relaxing place to come back to after a hard day on the slopes. The skiing here is on the Stubai glacier a 30-minute bus ride away (although there is a small ski area with difficult runs just above Neustift itself). The altitude, glacier and snowmaking machines mean an extremely long skiing season, from mid-October to June. Weekends this early in the season feel a little crowded, with 7-8,000 visitors skiing the slopes which run either side of the peak, and not all lifts yet up and running. It's not a large resort, but has a fair combination of red and blue runs for a short break. It also boasts Austria's only Disney ski school for kids, which may be a boon for families, or possibly the gateway to years of pestering for a trip to Disneyland.
Although the two black runs were not open when I visited last week, more enticing for advanced skiers might be the comparatively expansive off-piste, according to our guide, Michael, an optician turned ski instructor. This is normally accessible later in the season when more snow has fallen - although up in the mountains, they are acutely aware that climate change has led to warm Januarys and freezing Easters. The most graphic example is the receding glacier itself - 30m smaller than a couple of decades ago, making the main piste, number 1, somewhat steeper than its designated blue status would suggest.
From the highest point, the Top of Tyrol, at 3210 metres, you can see across to the craggy points of the Italian Dolomites. Even with the crowds, there were broad enough pistes for Michael to find space to demonstrate wide carving turns, and for us to try to emulate him - and for the British Army snowboarding team to train alongside.
Along with the extended season, a major attraction of Neustift for British skiers is the short journey from home. We had a quick check-in for a small Lauda Air plane to Innsbruck, moving swiftly through the small airport for a mere 20 minute-transfer to the hotel. Not quite tumbling through a wardrobe, but compared to reaching some resorts, it felt like a dramatically swift change of scene to a winter wonderland.
We were greeted by the queen of this Narnia, the Jaghdof's owner in flowing pink dirndl. No sign of Mr Tumnus, except perhaps on the menu - a carpaccio of deer kicking off the night's magnificent five-course meal. Most guests stay here on half board and there's little sign of dieting, for all the wellness - every Sunday even sees an eight-course "gala" dinner, with Tyrolean music to boot. It's excellent food, much of it sourced from the hotel's own farms. And the warm service, from staff clobbered up in traditional dress, makes it a very convivial place, if all slightly Euro-camp, with sommeliers urging us to sample some "crazy, sexy" Austrian wines.
You can venture out but après-ski here is more horse-drawn sleigh rides than kicking bars - it felt extremely quiet in Neustift. The hotel's own bar, cosy with log fires, was as far as we got, and even then never quite summoned the energy to get beyond a glass of one of their wide range of schnapps. But then, there was still the unfinished business of wellness to attend to.
Down in the basement, the sauna man had turned his Speedos in my direction, and leant over with some honey and fruit. The precise German instructions were lost on me, but I gleaned from his gestures that while the melon was for eating, the honey was for spreading. On me. He beat the air with a towel, wafting the hottest thermals my way. Then came a bowl of salt: more rubbing on the skin. Some ice. I was essentially a daiquiri. An Austrian woman was massaging her breasts and I didn't know where to look. No one translated. But then, sometimes, it's better not to know.
Way to go
Crystal Ski (tel 0870 160 6040 or Crystalski) offers ski and spa holidays to the five-star Relais & Chateau Hotel Jagdhof in Neustift in Austria. Seven nights' half-board accommodation with return flights from Gatwick to Innsbruck and transfers starts at £815 per person. Regional departures are available from nine airports at a supplement starting at £14.
Guests have unlimited access to the spa. Massage treatments cost extra, but are good value compared to Britain (€52 for 50 minutes). Hotel courtesy buses run regularly to the glacier at Stubai.
Further information
www.neustift.com
www.stubaier-gletscher.com
www.laudaair.com
