'Have you boarded before?' the ticket woman at Tamworth Snowdome asked sternly.
Okay, I'd never boarded. But I had done three one-hour lessons on a Metroboard, a teaching tool designed to take the sting out of learning to snowboard or ski. With its tilting, carpeted treadmill that pitches, sways and rolls in a way designed to mimic the experience of tearing down a slope, the Metroboard is touted as a fast track to mastering the mountains. You'll be able to snowboard after five lessons, the machine's makers promise, or you'll get a refund.
It works like this: once you're safely strapped into the harness, the Metroboard carpet starts whizzing by under your board, the platform rises up at the back, and a giant video screen in front shows an experienced boarder negotiating a slope whose every turn and tilt the hydraulically-operated Metroboard duplicates. You simply copy his movements while an instructor stands by, offering tips on posture, technique and style.
After three lessons I was flying on the magic carpet, linking turns to the left and to the right at speed, and feeling pretty cocky - so I reckoned I could probably cope with Tamworth. It was a disaster. I don't think my appalling performance was just due to the fact I'd only done three hours and not five on the Metroboard, however, because next time at Tamworth I did the sensible thing and got a lesson, and, after five minutes, things were totally different. The technique, it seems, was there. It was just making that crossover to the real thing that threw me.
I was glad the Metroboard had spared me the exhaustion of falling and getting back up, over and over until the sweat's pouring down your face and your hands and backside are aching with the impact of taking a tumble on to hard snow. It's a brutal learning curve and I was glad to have sidestepped it.
At £34.50 an hour, it's not cheap, although it is one-to-one tuition and Decathlon knocks 10% off if you book five lessons. But you can spend a whole year saving up for a dream week on the piste and, if it stops you spending the first few days horizontal, tired and miserable in the snow, maybe it's worthwhile.
Not that it was without drawbacks. The machine has two bars, one in front and one behind, so that you can use your arms to support yourself. They are necessary - without them you'd feel like a leaf getting tossed in the wind - although you can end up relying on them too much, which was one of the things that threw me when I first hit the slope. But the magic carpet's left me feeling ready for the mountains. Who knows, I might even try a few tricks.
The practicals
Metroboards can be found at: Decathlon, Surrey Quays, London (Canada Water tube station), 0171-394 2001; NikeTown, 236 Oxford Street, London, 0171-612 0800; Next Generation, New Haven Harbour, Leith, Edinburgh, 0131-554 5000.
