I went to Hawaii this year entirely by mistake. I said I wanted to interview Paul Theroux, and next thing I knew the office was phoning me about flights to Honolulu. How was I to know he lived in Hawaii? I thought he lived on Cape Cod. And whereas most journalists - nay, most people - would probably leap and gambol and clap their hands and cry hoorah at the thought of a winter break in Hawaii, it just so happens that I had been to Hawaii once before.
It was to cover the Gotcha Pro Surfing Championship in 1987, when surfing was briefly supposed to be the new Wimbledon or the new Formula 1. I forget why. What it meant was that every surfer came with at least two businessmen attached, who insisted that you talk about 'the product' or the logo before you could interview their boy. And boy, were their boys disappointing! I'd imagined them, from Beach Boys songs, as carefree dropouts who were either surfing or stoned. This lot were as fretful and uptight as bankers, endlessly discussing their Feccs - fast energy complex carbohydrates - and worrying about the occupational hazards of surfer's ear and lower back pain. Many of them were born-again Christians, who told me that Christ was the first surfer: 'He walked on water but He didn't need a board.'
Moreover, 1987 was the year they decided to hold the surfing championships on Sandy Beach, near Waikiki, instead of on one of the famous surfing beaches on the North Shore. It was a horrible, dull cove full of choppy waves, not the great pipelines Hawaii is famous for, though apparently bad waves are a better test of surfing skill. (That is why professional surfers are surprisingly respectful of the British championships at Newquay.) Anyway, I got thoroughly fed up and the one day I tried to escape from Sandy Beach, I crashed the car within five minutes and have never dared drive an automatic again.
So that was my first experience of Hawaii. (Incidentally, it's now supposed to be spelled Hawai'i but nobody out there seems to have noticed.) I thought I'd try harder to enjoy it this time, but it does have certain insuperable disadvantages, viz:
1 It is an incredibly long way away: an 11-hour flight to Los Angeles, two or three hours getting lost in LA, another five hours to Honolulu. (Incidentally, note to smokers: Gate 68 is the magic number; it has a smokers' cage on the roof.) So, l8 hours minimum - in which time you could practically fly to Australia. And you should fly to Australia because:
2 Hawaii is monumentally boring. Oh it's pretty, I suppose, with its wonderful rainbows, mountainous hinterland and fabulous surfing beaches, but it's also very built-up and suburban, with a motorway as sticky as the M25. I'm talking about the main island, Oahu, where 80 per cent of the population lives. Apparently, the other islands are much emptier. Waikiki, the beach area of the capital, Honolulu, is one of the most densely populated places on earth, with at least l00,000 people packed into one-seventh of a square mile. About half the tourists are American and the other half Japanese, and they all pile into buses to visit Pearl Harbor together. Very rum.
3 Hawaii is, of course, part of the United States - the locals get upset if you say you're going to the States - but noticeably more expensive because everything has to be flown in. They call this, cynically, the 'paradise tax'. (Almost everything in Hawaii comes with the word Paradise attached, and/or the word Aloha , which means hello or welcome or something. In shops, it becomes almost as irritating as, 'Have a nice day.') Anyway, the combination of American and Hawaiian influence produces gastronomic disaster. All meals, whatever you order, consist of a fishburger served in a basket with tasteless chips. Hawaiians are very proud of their fish and disguise them with so many different names it's impossible to avoid them all, but there is one they're particularly keen on called mahi-mahi , which tastes like old cod. Oh yes, and they seriously expect you to drink mai tai, which is basically rum with gloop. Just say no.
4 Sightseeing tours of Hawaii assume a fascination with Hawaii Five-O, Magnum and Tom Selleck which I frankly don't share. We spent a lot of time gawping at houses where Selleck once lived, and visiting places where various Hawaii Five-O scenes were shot. The tour guide lost me at the outset when she said: 'Oh you're English - did you bring Hyacinth with you?' Apparently, there is a television character called Hyacinth Bucket though I have no idea which part she plays in Hawaii Five-O . An alternative sightseeing tour features a visit to the pineapple plantations. Would you drive 40 miles to see a field of cabbages? Right.
5 Or you can visit Hawaiian sacred sites. I only saw one, but was reliably informed by Theroux that it is the Westminster Abbey of Hawaii, so presumably this is as good as it gets. It is called Pu'u O Mohuka Heiau ( heiau means a temple), and is believed to have been built in the eighteenth century. But it has since fallen down and consists of a heap of blackened stones. However, it has a lovely view of Weimea Bay, which is something you can't say about Westminster Abbey.
6 Hawaiian 'music' - fat girls in hula skirts, warbling to fat men with ukeleles. Enough said.
7 The common cliché about Hawaii is that it has lots of geography and no history. Actually it does have history - the usual tale of a once flourishing culture clobbered to death by missionaries - but you can learn about it much more easily in Britain, where we have books, than in Hawaii. Hawaii remains essentially a pre-literate society. The only reading matter is to be found on T-shirts and usually consists of the word Aloha, though once in a while you find a whole sentence, namely, 'I went to Hawaii and got lei-ed.' Buy all your guidebooks before you go - if you must go. There is a surprisingly wide range of them in Waterstone's.
So, despite all that, is there any good reason why you should go to Hawaii? Well yes, if you are a surfer you have to go because it is the place where surfing was invented and has the best surfing beaches in the world. If you are a keen canoeist you should go, because it offers everything from sea kayaking to outrigger canoeing, and Honolulu has the only airport in the world to feature a statue of a canoeist. If you are an astronomer you will dream of visiting the observatory on the big island, which has four of the best telescopes in the world. And if, like me, you are a collector of kitsch you will thrill to the souvenir shops of Waikiki which offer such Jeff Koonsian treats as a snowstorm containing Father Christmas in a hula skirt.
Oh yes, and Hawaii also has fabulous rainbows and a generally delightful climate, and on my last day I discovered the International Market where you can eat Japanese, Korean, Thai, Chinese, and Vietnamese, and avoid the dreaded mahi-mahi burger. That's all folks, but I'll give the last word to Rupert Brooke, who wrote in Waikiki:
And dark scents whisper; and dim waves creep to me,
Gleam like a woman's hair, stretch out, and rise;
And new stars burn into the ancient skies,
Over the murmurous soft Hawaiian sea.
Sounds irresistible, doesn't it? Go if you must.
Hawai facts
The fiftieth US state comprises more than 100 islands of which the six major ones are (from north to south) Kauai, Oahu, Molokai, Lanai, Maui and Hawaii with a total population of about 1.2 million.
Currency US dollars: £1 buys $1.58.
Visas Britons do not need them.
Climate Temperatures hover around 31C all year round while water temperatures range from 24 to 28 degrees. Rainfall is heaviest in the mountainous, rainforested interiors.On the North Shore the surf is high between November and March.
Getting there The Hawaiian Dream (020 8470 1181) has return fares to either Honolulu or Maui from £444 with United Airlines via Los Angeles or San Francisco. Air New Zealand (020 8741 2299) has four flights a week to Honolulu via Los Angeles from £497.
Getting around Oahu has a efficient transport system known as 'The Bus' - each ride costs $1;otherwise car hire is advisable.
Attractions Oahu: Hana'uma Bay National Fisheries and Wildlife Preserve; Polynesian Cultural Centre; Sea Life Park. Kauai: Waimea Canyon; Na Pali Cliffs. Hawaii: Volcanoes National Park; observatories on Mauna Kea.
Further information www. windsurfmaui.com (for Maui) and www.hhsurf.com (for Honolulu).More details from the Hawaii Visitors & Convention Bureau (020 8941 4009) or visit website: www.gohawaii.com
