In the driving rain, coming off the river in gusts of spray, I could appreciate the feelings of those wretches who were taken to the Tower of London through Traitor's Gate. My fellow 'wretches' were my cousins Alex, nine, and Charlotte, 14 - down from Yorkshire for the day.
They enjoyed the ride from Westminster along the Thames to the Tower and I'm sure that if the weather had been baking hot the building's gruesome history might have seemed distant and unreal.
Both children seemed to have a specific list of what they wanted to see. 'We have to see the Crown Jewels and the Medieval Palace,' they insisted. 'And I want to see the Domesday Book,' added Charlotte, a budding historian. I was expecting ice cream demands, unfavourable comparisons with Alton Towers and impatience. Counting on a quiet Sunday cruise down the river followed by a stroll around the Tower, the kids were delayed by an hour due to train trouble and major congestion and we seemed to spend the day in an eternal queue. They did not grumble once.
Our first call was the Medieval Palace where Edward I had lived. Despite Charlotte's attention being caught by Queen Eleanor's prodigious reproductive skills (about 17 children; no one seems sure) it was not as interesting as the kids had hoped it would be. The remainder of the palace struck the pair as rather dull, and even the gilt throne met with a disapproving 'I don't like that chair' from Charlotte and the equally judgmental 'It was just loads of old pots and things from Alex.
However, as we re-emerged into the drizzle we got our first view of the White Tower and I breathed a sigh of relief as they both agreed that it was very imposing. We decided that to see everything would be impossible and so joined the queue for the Crown Jewels .
After a long and distinguished history, the Beefeaters or Yeoman Warders seemed nothing more than photo opportunities and wandering tour guides. The jewels are sheltered in what feels like a giant underground bunker reminiscent of a Bond-baddie lair. It is fitted with huge screens on which the Queen's coronation is shown alongside close-ups of sceptres, crowns, swords and maces. The screens help to pass the time while queuing and as we finally stepped on to the travellators and glided past the crowns with our noses pressed up to the glass I barely noticed that it had taken 20 minutes to get there.
Again the verdict on the crowns was a surprisingly considered critique of their aesthetic worth. Alex thought some were overwrought: 'I didn't like the Imperial Crown, it's too overdone, like they've got everything on there and it doesn't look right.' He also suggested, endearingly, that the Crown Jewels 'must be quite expensive'.
Unfortunately, with a train home to catch, we were pushed for time. The White Tower, our next destination, had to be rushed and the Domesday Book omitted. We just had enough time to see the armoury and artillery. This was a high point for us all. A case holding two suits of armour - one 6ft 9in tall, the other a mere 3ft or so - brought us to a standstill as we attempted to comprehend walking around encased in that much metal. In fact we were still thinking about it as we made a dash past pikes and guns, and through an exhibit of horses which all seemed far too delicate a collection of creatures to have even borne the weight of young Alex in armour, let alone a knight.
Nevertheless, Alex was sold. He was going to advise all his friends at school the following day to get down to the Tower to see the 'bommy knockers' as he referred to them, because 'they all like guns and swords' - and there were certainly plenty of them to look at.
As we stood in one of the many lines I asked them about their day so far. Despite traipsing around in endless queues through the drizzle and dashing from one thing to another in an attempt to make the most of the trip, they had enjoyed their day and would return.
Next time the sun will come out and it will all feel a bit less like we have been sent to the Tower and more like a summer outing.
Tour guide
Getting there: Take City Cruises boat from Westminster Pier to the Tower. Child single £2.80, adult £4.40. Nearest Tube station is Tower Hill on Circle and District Lines, about five minutes' walk from the Tower.
Entry: Queues to get in. Worth trying to book ahead as this gets you in quicker. Queues are well managed and efficient. Adults £11, children (5-15) £7.30, family ticket (2 adults, 2 children) £33
Ambience: Great, despite the weather. Better than a normal museum was the kids' verdict because of the different towers to explore.
Food and drink: None available in the Tower except ice cream from a stall outside the White Tower. Plenty of fast food outlets clustered around the entrance.
Navigation: Signposting is very clear. There is no real possibility of getting lost.
Best attraction: Crown Jewels are a must see. Kids thought the armoury in the White Tower was the best bit.
Most disappointing feature: The Medieval Palace.
Our tip: Allow more time than you think you will need. Take the boat to the Tower for the best approach.
Kids' verdict: Very good, worth a return visit.
Adult's verdict: Pricey, but well organised.
