'You here for the Lions tour?" asks the taxi driver delivering me to a restaurant in the Waterfront district of Brisbane. Me and 12,000 others, I say, bracing myself for yet another onslaught about Australian sporting supremacy. Instead, he comes at me from a different angle: Australia as a world-beating place to live. "So when are you moving over?" he quips.
Success and sunshine breed confidence, and Australians are superconfident that when we get Down Under, we'll find so little to whinge about that we'll actually end up wanting to stay. Understandably so. This is the life: it's the middle of their winter, but the sun is shining, I'm down to T-shirt and shorts, and I'm about to lunch on a plate of the freshest fish with a glass or two of chardy for less than a tenner.
Australia has things we can only dream about over here: winning teams, great weather, wide open spaces, miles of golden beaches and lots of cheap treats. It's like living in a huge adventure playground. And that's precisely what has lured record numbers of rugby fans - and their partners - to the other side of the world this summer: the British and Irish Lions series of Test matches against the Wallabies has provided the excuse to take the holiday of a lifetime.
In the space of an action-packed first week in southeast Queensland, I managed to catch three major sporting events in Brisbane, eat like a king and explore the natural beauty of the Sunshine Coast to the north of the city and the Gold Coast to the south. (Even the names of the places put a smile on your face.)
Sport is top of the agenda from the moment we land in a city showcasing three different codes of "footy" over the weekend. There's an Aussie Rules game on the Friday night, the first Test match between the Lions and the Wallabies on Saturday and the deciding game in the State of Origin rugby league series on the Sunday. I am like a child in a sweet shop. It hardly matters that we Brits do not fully appreciate the significance of two of the events; but even if you are not particularly sporty, it's impossible not to get caught up in the fever pitch of anticipation.
When it comes to sporting passion, Aussies are in a class of their own. There's blanket coverage in the media, and the daily newspaper, the Australian, dubs the weekend's bonanza the "Battle of Brisbane". They estimate that more than 20,000 fans have arrived in the city from all over the state, the country and overseas; and they calculate that the triple bill will generate A$10 million of revenue for Queensland.
But first I have a little detour to make. Less than a day after landing, I am paddling out on a surfboard in a sea the temperature of a reasonable summer's day in England - around 20C. It is the perfect way to get over the long flight and make me feel that I truly have arrived Down Under. After all, beach culture and barbies are what define Australia.
Turning my board around to face the shore, I watch a grey-haired, weather-worn surfer in knee-length shorts tiptoe the length of his board as he rides a wave into the crescent-shaped beach. At the water's edge, knee-high kids with sun-bleached tresses skate around on wake boards. This is Noosa Heads, a laid-back but exclusive little town only a couple of hours up the coast from Brisbane. Noosa encapsulates everything that Australians hold dear: good, clean beach fun and a main drag that offers plenty of opportunity for casual but quality al fresco dining. It's the sort of place that families have been returning to for years and, if they have the money, buy into to guarantee that their children's children can grow up learning to mess about on the water, too.
Being a Pom, of course, I need a bit help on the surfing front. And, being an Aussie, my tutor is, naturally enough, a world beater at walking on water. Chris de Aboitiz, world tandems surfing champion to be precise; a sport in which you not only need to ride the waves like a dolphin, but also have to support a girl doing a gymnastics routine on your shoulders at the same time.
From Noosa, it is just a short hop down the coast for a round of golf at the Trent Jones-designed course at the Hyatt Regency in Coolum, and a chance for a jetlag-soothing massage at the spa there. But I have to be back in the city for the start of the Battle of Brisbane: the Aussie Rules game between the Brisbane Lions and Melbourne's Hawthorn at the city's cricket ground, the Gabba.
How to describe Aussie Rules? The taxi driver who had asked me when I was planning to emigrate put it like this: "Have you been to a Chinese opera? Cos it's about as mystifying to those who've never seen it before." In truth, it takes me about 30 minutes, the length of one of the four quarters of play, to work it out.
It's a high, fast and physical 18-a-side game with seemingly few rules played out on a vast, round pitch with an egg-shaped ball. Kicking and punching are the form, and not just of the ball. Light entertainment comes with the crowd shouting "How big's your dick?" when the umpires, dressed like fish-and-chip vendors, signal a goal with outstretched hands. The players' rather camp-looking kit of capped-sleeved shirts and buttock-hugging, skimpy shorts may also raise a chuckle with the uninitiated. But do not be fooled; a few years back they conducted tests to find the fittest sportsmen in the land - Australians do like a competition - and these guys came out on top. They run for hours, leap like gazelles and have hides like rhinos.
Half-time sees me queuing for a meat pie smothered in ketchup and a large, locally-brewed Castlemaine XXXX. And after a game in which the local Lions were rampant, I follow the crowd out on to Vulture Street and around the corner to a bar appropriately named the Lion's Den for more of the same. But it is too packed to get in, so I walk back into town via the steel arbour walkway along the South Bank, past Parklands - a surreal man-made beach and pool overlooked by the city's skyscrapers on the opposite bank of the Brisbane River. Things have been on the up in once-sleepy Brisbane since World Expo in 1988. Nowadays, you can find stylish places to eat and innovative modern Australian menus in areas of the city such as the Waterfront, New Farm and the funkier West End.
Meanwhile, in the centre of town, a wave of red British Lions jerseys sweeps through the main drag of Queen Street, Charlotte Street and Edward Street, attempting to drink every hotel bar dry. Men with miniature stuffed lions sewn on to their baseball caps and shoulders toast the moon with stubbies and serenade every passing female.
At the Gabba the following night, this barmy army of travelling supporters will redouble its efforts on the fancy dress front: there is a squadron of Biggles lookalikes with false moustaches, leather flying caps and starched silk scarves; there's a pride of men sporting lion's heads; a gaggle of cross-dressers in Union Jack bras; and the odd kilt, which trigger the predictable Aussie aside of "nice skirt, mate". Inside the stadium, choruses of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, Bread of Heaven and Molly Malone drift over the pitch and the screech of bagpipes drown out the "Aussie-oy" boys.
Before the kick-off, the man sitting in front of me says he thought it was supposed to be a home game for the Wallabies - perversely, only a small percentage of the seats in a crowd of 35,460 have gone on sale to locals. At the full-time whistle, and in a state of shock after their humbling defeat, he says it feels as though Australia has been colonised again - outplayed, outsung, outcelebrated for once.
There is not a bed to be had in town that night, but there would be precious little chance to sleep in any case. However, less than an hour's drive southwest from Brisbane is Lockyer Valley, vast sweeps of grazing land flanked by the Little Liverpool range of mountains, and an idyllic country retreat called Peppers Hidden Vale.
Although it is still a working cattle station, Peppers offers luxury accommodation in recently-restored Queenslander-style cottages, and an original homestead that has been converted into a first-class restaurant. Originally settled in the 1800s, when 13,000 sheep grazed a staggering 384,000 acres, the property now extends to a more modest 9,800 acres and offers good riding, mountain-biking and walking trails. Here, there's a chance to recharge the batteries and take in a different scene to the coastline so loved by Australians.
But this serves only as a quick breather in the weekend's sporting bill, and the third event is the big one. Rugby league - the code with 13 players and six tackles - is the national sport of Australia, and this year's State of Origin decider - where players represent their native state - is between Queensland and New South Wales. Even the guests going pony trekking out of Peppers and sleeping overnight in bush cabins take a portable TV so as not to miss the biggest match of the year.
Back in Brisbane, the sea of red Lions jerseys has given way overnight to the maroon colours of Queensland. This year's best-of-three series is tied going into the decider at the ANZ Stadium, and is given added frisson by the fact that Queensland have recalled their pocket dynamo, Allan "Alfie" Langer, out of semi-retirement - they do not seem to take his playing for the Warrington Wolves in England seriously. All the talk, front and back of the papers, is of Alfie's comeback game; his farewell to Origin. And when he plays a blinder, setting up one try and scoring another in the rout of NSW, the premier of Queensland, Peter Beattie, calls for him to be knighted.
The Sir Alfie saga drags on for days. But after sharing in the city's collective hangover on Monday morning, it's time for a change of pace.
A two-hour drive down the Gold Coast, skirting Surfers Paradise, Queensland's self-styled version of Miami, and a short ferry ride from the aptly-named Runaway Bay delivers me to the Couran Cove Resort on South Stradbroke Island, claimed to be one of only 15 sand islands in the world. But even here, you can't escape the sporting theme, because the resort was developed by 60s Australian track legend Ron Clarke, and the facilities are so good that Linford Christie and his stable of athletes trained here before last year's Olympics. There's even a sprint track with a self-timer, which you can set to world-record time for the 100m and race against a line of speeding lights. Predictably, I am humiliated in a little over nine seconds.
Couran Cove also markets itself as a natural playground: it has a 27km-stretch of unspoilt beach, protected dunes, rainforest and wetlands; golden swamp wallabies hop about the place; there are no cars, only bikes and emission-free buggies; everything is recycled and it all runs on environmentally-friendly energy. It's the perfect place for a healthy family holiday with nature cabins set in the forest; but it's also a retreat with designer apartments on the waterfront and a spa for the stressed-out.
I fill my remaining days in Oz with a spot of fishing off the sandy beach, up to my knees in the lukewarm sea. Over a lunch of freshly-caught flathead at the Surf Club, I spot a humpback whale breaching on the horizon. I raise a glass of Chardy to Australia, the country that is a world apart.
From the departing ferry, I glimpse a couple of wallabies scratching about on the beach, without a care in the world. As last impressions go of Australia, it's pretty good. But then I begin to worry. Maybe I have been delivered an omen for today's deciding game in the Lions' Test series in Sydney.
Way to go
Getting there: Bridge the World (0870 444 7474, www.bridgetheworld.com) offers return flights from Heathrow to Brisbane via Singapore with Qantas starting from £746pp including tax (valid for travel August 15 - December 9).
Accommodation: Bridge the World is offering a £50pp discount on all 14-night accommodation/flight packages made during July. The five-star Stamford Plaza on the banks of the Brisbane River costs from £48pp per night room-only. Peppers Hidden Vale, Lockyer Valley, costs from £44pp per night room-only. Hyatt Regency Coolum costs from £118pp per night. Bridge the World has a special offer of three nights in a studio suite B&B and a choice of either full body massage or facial for £195pp. Couran Cove Resort, South Stradbroke Island, costs from £44pp per night room-only.
Sports tickets: The NRL Brisbane Broncos home games start from around A$15 at the gate at ANZ Stadium, best seats around A$35-A$40 (www.broncos.com.au). AFL tickets at the Gabba from around $25 at the gate (www.lions.com.au).
Surf lessons and board hire: Chris de Aboitiz, Noosa Longboards Surf Shop, Shop 4 French Quarter, 54 Hastings Street, Noosa Heads (tel: 5447 2828, www.noosalongboards.com), 90-minute surf lesson A$40, half-day long board hire A$25.
• For further information on Australia, call the Australian Tourist Commission on 0906 863 3235 (calls cost 60p per min) or visit www.australia.com
