To be honest I've probably had one too many Screaming Orgasms and it's time to retire. Where's that key card thing? Here it is, and here's my cabin door - 516, I think that's mine. Push it open, fumble for the light and... Oh God!

I've stepped into a hideous nightmare. No, it's not a dismembered body or a horse's head or anything. There are no sordid sex acts going on, no sex acts at all in fact. The cabin is empty. It's just that it's very very orange. Catastrophically orange. Of course it was orange before, when I left my stuff here before going down to the bar, but somehow after a few Screaming Orgasms it seems so much more orange. Quick, open the window, let some air in before I suffocate in orangeness.

Oh God! (again). Where is the window - porthole, hatch, whatever they have on boats? Are the Screaming Orgasms playing tricks with my mind, or is there really no way that light, or air, can get in? I know it's only £25 a night, but even prison cells have windows don't they? Stelios, what were you thinking? Stelios! (He's here somewhere. I saw him at the bar a minute ago. But it's too late to go searching, and I don't want to end up at the bar again as that would inevitably lead to more Screaming Orgasms. I couldn't take any more of them tonight. I fall into bed (quite hard), and turn off the light. The orange seems to linger even in the dark, like a nasty aftertaste. Good night Stelios, you big Greek loon.

The following day and it all seems so much nicer. Well, apart from the initial orange shock obviously on opening my eyes - not nice with those Screaming Orgasms now seeking revenge. But I just closed them again and felt my way into the shower. Then got the hell out of there. Having no window, I had no idea what time it was, but it felt like up-time. Actually, I do have a watch on, but it's an easyWatch, a present from Stelios, and I thought I might throw up if I looked at it. Why? Because it's bright orange.

Now everything's lovely though. We're steaming along the coast between Nice and Cannes, it's a beautiful day, and I'm lying in the Jacuzzi, watching the hills of the South of France slide by. The Côte D'Azur for £25 a day. You're a good man, Stelios.

I go down to the cafe for coffee and a Danish, and guess who's there, serving cappuccinos to his passengers. Only the man himself. Stelios won't apologise for the orange - it's his colour, his whole empire is orange, it's all about branding. And most people are impressed by the functionality of the cabins he says. But the window thing he agrees was possibly a mistake. "If it's a success, and we do another boat, we might think about trying to do it with windows." Will it be a success? "Today, I feel very optimistic about it," he says. Stelios is on board for a couple of days to see how it goes, staying in the same kind of cabin as his passengers. "If it's good enough for me," he says, "it's good enough for everyone."

EasyCruise is Stelios Haji-Ioannou's first foray into the world of cruising, and easyCruiseOne is, so far, his only ship. It used to be an old gambling ship in Singapore before Stelios bought it, stripped out the faded splendour and gave it a cheap and cheerful orange makeover. That's when the windows went - the way it was partitioned off for the cabins didn't fit in with the existing portholes so they were just filled in. Now it's nothing like what most people think of a cruise ship - there are no pools, apart from the one small Jacuzzi, no deck quoits, no Jane MacDonald recitals. So some things to be thankful for.

This is cruising for a younger market - for people in their 20s, 30s and 40s who are independent and fun loving (it's already been dubbed easyShag by some). The boat goes up and down the coast of the French and Italian Rivieras between St Tropez and Portofino. You can hop on and off where you want, and yes, if you book at the right time, it can cost £25 per person a night. That's not bad for around here. Of course, as on easyJet flights where you have to buy your own Pringles, here you have to buy all your food and drink. A burger and chips is £3.90, a pint of lager £2.30, and a Screaming Orgasm, which is a lethal cocktail of vodka, Baileys and Kahlua, is £1.75 a shot.

We approach Cannes. In the bay, two huge ocean liners sit serenely at anchor. One is the Crystal Serendipity, a floating five-star hotel where guests wash down Russian caviar with expensive champagne, and pay £5,000 a week for the privilege. That means, for the price of a week on the Crystal Serendipity you could have over six months on easyCruise - not that you'd necessarily want to of course. Oh, and the other ship is the QE2.

We pass cheekily between the two. Some of the elderly passengers look down on us. What the hell is that, they seem to be saying. Who is this gatecrasher? More of a ferry than a cruise ship. Worse still it's orange, and has easyCruise.com written in huge letters down the side. Others just look the other way as we pass.

But there are some advantages to being poor. While they're too big to tie up on the quay, we can steam straight in. "Look at them, queuing up in the baking heat, and being herded backwards and forwards on little boats," says Conan O'Driscoll, from Birkenhead on easyCruise for a couple of days with his girlfriend Nicola Lovely. They just saw an ad for easyCruise, and thought they'd give it a whirl. What do they think of it? "Actually better than we thought," says Nicola. "The ship's been done really well, and it's very sociable."

It's a strange thing, to arrive in Cannes by easyCruise, a bit like rocking up to the Savoy in a souped-up Ford Sierra. And it's especially true today, as the town prepares itself for its famous film festival. Marquees are going up, the teak decks of sleek classic yachts are being scrubbed. On the beach the young and beautiful are putting the finishing touches to their tans. Along the Croissette, roller bladers slalom through glamorous old ladies with leathery over-sunned skin walking their little dogs. And then in steams Stelios in his bright orange boat and parks up in the middle of it all.

Not that Stelios is worried about offending anyone. "Look," he chuckles, pointing at a photograph of his ship with the Cannes Carlton hotel in the background. "That's how to spoil the holiday of everyone staying there." Later he's spotted handing out leaflets to the queue of people waiting to be ferried back to the QE2. Next time come with me, he's saying, though I'm not sure he'll get their business. I hope not, we don't want those old dullards spoiling the party.

Tony and Julie Sharpe from Carlisle witnessed a bit of snootiness in Nice the day before. "When we were tied up next to these two luxury yachts, there was one lady sunbathing on the deck," laughs Julie. "And Tony waved at her, but I don't think she was very amused, because she just went inside. 'Oh no, the Carlisle riff-raff are here', I think that's what she was thinking."

So what do they think of it so far? "It's been fun," says Tony. "A cruise is something we've always thought about but we've been put off by the age group and the formality of it all." They're on board for seven nights. They think the cabin is quite "compact" and would like a window too, but say the boat has a nice atmosphere, and it was great to be greeted by Stelios at the top of the gangplank when they boarded in Nice. They'd certainly come again and will recommend it to their friends. And so would I - though I'd tell them not to forget to bring sunglasses, for inside the cabins of course.

Day three, and we're on our way to St Tropez. But it's a very different from yesterday. There's a force eight gale blowing, and some people are looking a little queasy. It even looks rough in the Jacuzzi, the water's sloshing all over the place. There's an announcement - because of the weather we can't get in to St Tropez, we'll have to go on to Toulon instead. A few groans. It's a bit like flying easyJet suddenly.

But then it's time to open the bar. SOS! And on easyCrusie that's got nothing to do with being rescued. It's simply a call for more Screaming Orgasms.

'It's a strange thing, to arrive in Cannes by easyCruise, a bit like rocking up to the Savoy in a souped-up Ford Sierra'

Way to go

Getting there: EasyJet flies to Nice from Stansted, Gatwick, Nottingham East Midlands, Luton, Liverpool, Newcastle and Belfast from £40.98rtn inc taxes. Ryanair flies Stansted-Genoa from £24.98rtn inc taxes.

The cruise: Easycruise (0906 2929000) offers flexible itineraries from two to seven-days along the French and Italian Rivieras, calling at Nice, Cannes, St Tropez, Monaco, San Remo, Genoa and Portofino. Passengers can board and depart at any port but must stay a minimum of two nights. From £25pp per night, cabin only.